Life in the UK test: FAIL

(If we ever have to take it, that is)

Switched on TV last night to get to Jon Stewart and turns out some channel was telecasting football.

"Oh, there is an England match today, I think"

"Really? Who are they playing?"

"There..Algeria"

"Which colour is England?"

"Hmm..Can't possibly be green, can it?"

"True. The guys in white"

"Do you know what Wayne Rooney looks like?"

"No. Should have paid more attention to the Metro"

"Yeah, I guess"

"Hey"

"Those two chaps sitting there, one of them looks familiar, no?"

"Hmm. They must be reserves"

"Yeah, but why are they wearing suit and jacket and all?!"

"These English are comic"

"I know"

Commentator says: There you see England being represented by the royal family. Prince William and Prince Harry

"That's what they look like kya?"

"I told you one of them looks familiar"

"We are so failing the life in the UK test"

"I know"

If you haven't had enough, at this point, my mum walks in.

"Isn't that the princes?"

"How do you know?"

"They are in the Metro all the time"

"Maybe you should take Life in the UK test"

"Btw, there is something wrong with this TV. You should tell the landlord"

"I don't think so"

"There is. What is that noise?"

"What noise?"

"Its like a swarm of giant vandus humming.

"Oh, that's part of the game"

"Someone is sitting there making that noise? What idiots!"

"Amma! Its a stadium horn. Vuvuzela"

"How can one focus on anything with that irritating thing going on?"

"How do you focus on weddings when someone is blasting that nadaswaram?"

"Oh, that's to get rid of other sounds"

"Like what?"

"Like the people who attend the wedding. Can you imagine the din without the nadaswaram?"

"Same thing"

As usual, Bamse blazes trail

Here. (Though, yeah, he does tend to overdo things a bit.)

Nothing new but worth a read. Frame childcare as a "womens' issue" and it will always remain an issue. Frame it as a parental issue that it is and see how your intervention options more than doubled.

20 under 40: First Impression

20 under 40

Where the F is Junot Diaz? What happened to Dave Eggers? I am never ever reading the New Yorker again. Oh wait, they are over 40? Really? Stupid cut-off then. How silly. Anyway. Let me go read the thing now.

Goings-on (about town that one does not live in anymore but one can get to)

BFI celebrates monkey's arrival. (In related news, monkey's first word came out yesterday: akkirrrrrrrrrrr) And while you are there, might as well catch Film Science and a bit of Grace Kelly.

Totally totally worth your time. It even has a TV series to go with it. Super cool stuff.

Chotu and Motu go to Peak District (Part 1)

With the monkey of course. If monkey is going to be standard fixture in Chotu - Motu household, then we reckon that it might as well get used to the travel. Ten weeks seems like a good starting point. Especially since it will have to go to three different continents by end of year. We picked a relatively harmless national park to make its life easier. It ended up not being such a big deal. Monkeys are just like backpacks except that once in a while, you have to nourish them instead of the other way around.

Anyway. So on what was the hottest weekend of the year, we drove up from the fens through the midlands to the Peak District.

"Hey. According to guidebooks, there are a number of English homes in the park"

"Yeah, it always surprises me all national parks within this country are inhabited and are privately owned. Though one understands why"

"Yeah but that is not what I was referring to"

"What were you referring to then?"

"Large English country homes"

"Like Henry James types?"

"Think so. Like the seat of the Duke of Devonshire or something"

"Ah. Prime American tourists territory. Is that how they make money?"

"Must be only. There is this place called Chatsworth Hall which seems to be the most famous of them all. Major gardens and a maze and stuff"

"Hmm. Interesting"

"Should we go?"

"Have you gone mad?"

"Well, you do realise we might only be able to do one walk, say 4-5 hours a day. The monkey will create ruckus otherwise"

"Hmm. It has been unusually quiet for a while now"

"You have gone deaf. It has been growling like some tiger for a while now"

"Oh. And here I thought it was exhibiting more human characteristics lately"

"That it has. I have no doubt it will one day be a humanitarian monkey"

"Or a simian human, you never know"

"Is there a difference?"

"Who the fuck cares?"

"True enough. About these houses..."

"Dude, this sounds like some proper tourist trap"

"I know but there's this other house that's not that famous and won't be crowded at all. Maybe we can go there"

"What house is this?"

"Place called Lyme Hall. On the Cheshire side of the park. Nice and all"

"Who used to live there?"

"Nobody we know. Some Venetian architect did some work on it in the 18th century. Seems worth going to"

"Really?"

"If we have time, why not?"

"What is the catch?"

"What catch?"

"Dude, monkey or not, you don't ever want to go visit some English country home. What is the deal?"

"Nothing really. There is one other place called Haddon Hall. But it doesn't sound like family entertainment place"

"How come?"

"This weekend, there is a special programme in the Lord and Ladyship's chambers"

"You are kidding"

"No. True"

"These English!"

"I know. So Lyme Hall it is then?"

"Dude. You do want to go to this place, don't you?"

"Well.."

"Hang on, let me guess. Which Henry James was shot there?"

"I have no idea. And Henry James heroes? Come on now"

"Hmm. Newland Archer didn't go to England, did he?"

"I don't think he did. But why are you thinking Americans when talking of England?"

"Oh wait. Of course. Austen?"

"Yeah. Darcy's home"

"I didn't think you like Mr Darcy very much"

"I don't. But you don't remember this scene in the BBC version where a brooding, most delicious Colin Firth jumps into this lake which has a reflection of the house and then dripping wet, he walks towards the house"

"I can assure you that I am absolutely certain that I do not remember this particular scene"

"I know you don't. So shall we go there?"

"You do realise that there will be no delicious Colin Firth around?"

"Yeah, but one can't have everything, you know"

No, we didn't go to Lyme house. Turned out that monkey can handle long walks pretty well. More in Chotu and Motu get lost in the Derbyshire Dales.


Bonus:

Monkey Business

"Hey"

"Oh..hey"

"What are you up to?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you hiding here?"

"Who is hiding? I am just getting a bit of quiet time"

"Yeah? I thought you were feeding monkey"

"Done with that. I am here to get some quiet as I said. Otherwise I can't read or anything"

"What are you reading?"

"Oh, a bunch of things"

"I don't see any books around"

"They are in the other room"

"But you are in this room"

"Yeah, I know"

"So you are not reading now?"

"I guess not"

"What's that?"

"What? Oh this?"

"Yeah"

"Some drink"

"Looks like a gin and tonic to me"

"Well, it is. Gin & tonic is also drink na?"

"I see. I thought you were on some wine-only course"

"That was when thing was inside"

"Ah, makes sense"

"Really? If you say so"

"But wait, why are you drinking here?"

"Dude. Can't I drink in my own home? I might be on leave but I still pay rent on this place you know"

"Yeah yeah. But why are you hiding and drinking?"

"Who is hiding?"

"You only"

"Just because I feel like sitting in the guest room doesn't mean I am hiding"

"What does it mean then?"

"It just means I feel like sitting in the guest room"

"Oh right"

"Whatever"

"Does amma know about this?"

"Know about what?"

"Sneaking into guest room for gin & tonic"

"How old do you think I am?"

"Question for your mum. Let us ask her, shall we?"

"Go away"

Done with Indecision

If you haven't heard, we finally have a Prime Minister in this country. Actually, turns out he has a deputy as well. Two for the price of one. I am sure these two public school boys will be all paly-paly but one wonders what the backbenchers might get up to. While the Tory backbenchers will prove to be a handful for Cameron, think Clegg will have a bigger problem in this regard - by definition, the Lib Dems are more inclusive, opinionated, have a healthy disregard for authority, more prone to activism and therefore indecisive as a group. Interesting times ahead. But for now, to round off these random posts, here are a few random thoughts:

1. Does anyone remember Devi Lal, 1989? When I heard that Clegg was Deputy PM, that was the first thing that came to mind. However, I later remembered (and made a mention to my ultra-conservative big boss who was extremely scornful of the coalition) that after all, the low key chap who went on to trounce the country's most popular PM and oversee the disintegration of the British Raj was a deputy PM in the war time coalition government. Who knows where this current comedy will lead to?

2. In Chronicles of Westminsteria - the New Hope, the Clunking Fist and the Boy who looks good on TV, the BBC adaptation of current comedy, the only person who should be playing himself (as there is no actor who can do justice to this role) is Peter Mandelson. Those of you used to thinking of Rove, Cheney or say, Kissinger as the ultimate evil puppet masters, please to see Lord Mandelson in action. He is too cool.

3. BBC should decide who its audience is. For the 10 or so minutes it took the new PM to travel in his Jag from Buckingham Palace to Downing St weaving through London evening traffic, I heard over 15 times that "unlike the States, we do not have a transition period in Britain". Huh? The Brit people already know how their system works, one would have thought.

4. Watching Brown make his farewell speech, one couldn't help thinking that this guy never had a chance. The post-Blair era in this country has turned parliamentary politics into a popularity contest and even if Brown had been the most efficient of PMs, he would never really look or sound good on TV. He is an old school politician, one very much out of times in this age of reality television.

5. Plagiarist Cameron. Not even a good one at that. "And I want to help try and build a more responsible society here in Britain. One where we don't just ask what are my entitlements, but what are my responsibilities. One where we don't ask what am I just owed, but more what can I give."

6. Socialist Cameron. (As those of you across the pond no doubt will recognize.) "And a guide for that society - that those that can should, and those who can't we will always help."

Indecision, what else?

As expected, the country has decided to be indecisive leaving Parliament hanging. Fun, no? Entertainment guaranteed for the next few days. But for now, here are a bunch of things one discovered on election night:

1. Where TV license money goes. Specifically, there is a chap called Jeremy Vine who does all sorts of comedy - for instance, he walks around in a virtual Downing Street setup overturning blocks or stones or something to find out who can walk into No 10. He also has this other set he walks around in which tops CNN's holographic reporters (that Jon Stewart makes so much fun of). Even the American people don't seem to appreciate such nonsense, so I am not sure what makes the BBC think they can use our money to come up with this naatak. Oh, and who exactly stays up all night in front of Big Ben to watch the election results being projected on it?

2. Glenda Jackson holds Hampstead & Kilburn. The margin was 42 votes. Yes, 42. I told you we voted in the wrong constituency. And well, Clegg's last minute call to Beckett did not have any effect.

3. I know. The answer is 650. Yes, small island, 65 million give or take. I discovered that only China has more seats than the UK. So yeah, 42 votes is not that uncommon.

4. Vindicated. Cleggmania was pretty much made up. All people discovered was that the man exists and he looks good on TV.

Still more Indecision

My immediate reaction to this piece (also echoed by random commenter) was "What? Is Hampstead a marginal?"

Turns out that it is indeed a marginal. Can't really say the same for the constituency one is going to vote in. Shucks. So much for being diligent and letting councils know we have moved.

ps: I know. Beckett of all people. Godot jokes abound.

pps: Can't believe its British election time and one hasn't made a Yes, Minister reference. So this seems like a good post as any. Sir Humphrey on "arts" in Patron of the Arts: People don't go to church, but they feel better that it's there.

Of Luddo, For Luddo (both of the Witty persuasion)

So I was walking along trying to get myself lost (the logic being if one is lost, one cannot get home when the call comes (however dutiful one happens to be)) in the maze of colleges and masters' residences when it started pouring. Ran towards this arched hedge in front of a house to take refuge and discovered that this was also Witty's refuge a long time ago. Hence, decided one should get picture for the namesake.

Not quite Nate Silver

I was thinking just the other day (for those of us who don't follow the bookies too much) what we need here is Nate Silver. Well, guess what? Turns out that there is a chap at fivethirtyeight who is doing a few posts on this.

More Indecision 2010

This is the first general election I am seeing in this country but I get the sense that the elections are becoming very Americanised. For instance, the focus on personalities and personalities alone that is the American election seems to be a relatively new trend here. Considering that this is not presidential system, not sure where this needless focus on the leaders (and their families) will lead to. Second, the role of media in shaping popular opinion seems to have scaled new heights recently - I am yet to meet a reasonable someone who thinks that Clegg came out strong against Cameron and Brown in last week's debate. Yet, after the media declared him the winner, the Lib Dem surge in the polls has been pretty unbelievable - it of course remains to be seen whether this will convert to actual votes but Cleggmania, I am convinced, is totally a media invention.

Still, there are these minor things that makes one a little hopeful. Like when commentators talk about "early days of the campaign" when referring to three weeks before the actual election date. Like Miriam Gonzalez Durantez. May there be more of her. And may she stick to her guns especially now that her husband is doing so well.

Indecision 2010

This side of the Atlantic, there is some kind of election happening if you haven't heard. One that I can actually vote in apparently. In a constituency where it might actually matter (as the incumbent Lib Dem MP is stepping down). More relevant to the post, we have a TV now. It came with the house. So yesterday evening, I prudently decided to watch the leadership TV debates (the alternative was to try and calm down the very fussy monkey so it wasn't much of a choice) and tuned in promptly.

First, transplanting American style TV debates to this country seemed a little off. Comic, really. All these people on TV were trying to sound enthusiastic and over the top forgetting that those traits don't exactly come easily to the British. Both Clegg and Cameron were trying to be Obama (Brown just was boring Brown which is apparently his selling point) which was painful but entertaining.

For those of you who watched this thing, a couple of questions:

1. Why was Brown wearing a pink tie and Cameron a blue one? (Only Clegg seemed true to yellow)

2. Was it just me who thought that: boring Brown sounded like someone who has been doing boring parliamentary debates for ages, Cameron tried a little too hard to sound transparent (though he didn't repeat his points like the other two), and Clegg sounded like he is the captain of the university debate team? I read today that apparently people thought that Clegg won the debate. Really? Politically, yeah, I fall right into Lib Dem territory but that's besides the point.

A monkey of our own and other updates

Toshi has indeed left the fortress but guess who gets to deal with the monkey that came out into the outside world?

"So?"

"So what?"

"Not bad, eh?"

"Its okay"

"So its all good?"

"What is all good?"

"Well, you know, this place and all..."

"Oh. Well, its bigger than what we are used to"

"Obviously"

"Given the postcode difference, yeah, to be expected"

"Yeah. So its alright then?"

"What is alright? I said its big. Which is not necessarily a good thing"

"So its not alright?"

"I said its ok. But that is not the point. The point is this will have to do"

"I guess. Anyway, its not like this thing is forever"

"Its not?"

"The house I meant"

"The house, yes. Just for a few months"

"Until you go back to work. Then we move back to London"

"What if I decide not to?"

"That is completely up to you"

"What?"

"I said work is completely up to you"

"Who will fund your life?"

"I am sure we will figure out a way"

"You are that certain what I will do?"

"Of course. A month ago, I might have been worried. Not anymore"

"Well, you wait and see"

"I will only. You really want me to believe that you so desperately want to be tortured 24X7?"

"You never know. I could be some masochist"

"Right. And I could be a productive member of society"

"Which is the same thing. If I stop working, you have no choice but to be productive member of society"

"And what exactly would that accomplish?"

"Good point. What is that across the street?"

"What does it look like?"

"Its dark but from here, it looks like some sort of a cemetery"

"That is what it is"

"We live across from a cemetery?"

"Yeah"

"Monkey's first friends will be dead people. How cool!"

"I know. Not for nothing I went with this house"

"Oh, the possibilities.."

"are endless. First, lets give the thing this room which faces the graveyard"

"Yes, of course"

The People's Historian passes away

Howard Zinn dies at 87.

Update: When I wrote "More to follow" in a previous version of this post, I meant to link to obits as they come in and probably write a few lines myself on someone whose works are among my all-time favorites. I definitely wasn't expecting JD Salinger to follow suit the same day.

I can drive, But...

Friday afternoon. Phone rings. I glance at it. Look at watch. 2 PM. I look at the phone again. It says Bill alright.

As long time readers know by now, we don't generally call each other before 8 as we do not have to decide who is picking up dinner until then. If one of us is calling the other at 2, one of two things is likely - a) someone died b) one of us is in labour. Neither of which are probable at this point in time. I am puzzled. I answer.

"Hey"

"Hey"

"Everything alright?"

"Of course everything is alright. In fact, its such a nice day, isn't it?"

"Do you live in the same country as I do?"

"Oh well, as far as this country can go, this is a great day no?"

"In Cambridge, it might be. Here, it is not"

"Well, I think its a great day"

"Good for you"

Silence.

"So what's up?"

"Nothing really"

"You just called to say that its a great day?"

"Shouldn't I?"

"Okay, enough. What do you want?"

"Nothing. I don't lack for anything"

"I should know that. Since I fund everything"

"Ya ya"

"So what's going on?"

"Nothing. Can't I just call?"

"Are you alright?"

"I told you I am feeling great"

"Okay"

"Hey, I was thinking..."

"Yes?"

"We should get out of town or something. Go somewhere North"

"Dude, where have you been living the last few weeks?"

"Lets not worry about the weather and such nonsense. Don't you think it would be really nice to get some fresh air?"

"Where are you thinking of going?"

"I don't know. Anywhere. Lets just go and see the country types"

"See the country"

"Yeah, won't it be great? Its been ages since we went on a roadtrip and got lost and all that jazz"

"Even if you disregard the weather and I don't know how you can, you know bloody well my American license exp...oh wait"

"Finally"

"Your driving test"

"I thought you'd never ask"

"You passed in your first attempt?"

"What do you think?"

"Dude, six attempts in Pittsburgh, one in London? I don't believe that"

"You can believe what you want. I got a piece of paper which says I can drive in this country. Which is more that what I can say for some other people"

"Ah, so you called to gloat"

"Nothing. I was just saying..."

"So when do we go on this trip?"

"What trip?"

"Roadtrip. Somewhere North you said"

"The weather sucks, doesn't it?"

"In this country you should just disregard the weather"

"Of course you can't. What if we get stuck somewhere?"

"But I thought you wanted to go"

"I do but I think we should be prudent and wait for the weather to improve"

"How long do you think that would take?"

"I don't know"

"Why do I have a feeling that would be about the time I manage to get my license renewed?"

"Darling, I've got to go. See you later"

My American Friends

...is not so much about American friends as it is about the British.

Imagine how different this is likely to be if this was an American writing about his / her British friends.

I love Bill (sometimes)

And yes, I am happy. What else can one be when one is fed some awesome kothu parotta on this dreary, cold winter evening?

Is this Bill?

That's what iPhoto's "brilliant" face detection technology asked me this morning as I was uploading some pictures.

ps: Cat - And you thought he is just an angel?

A moment's happiness

Because sometimes, we are happy too. And it usually doesn't involve Hamlet.

"Are you happy?"

"Are you Falsie?"

"No"

"Then I am happy"

"I see"

"I don't know what is there to see"

"As long as I am not Falsie, you are happy"

"I said nothing of the sort"

"You just did"

"No, I did not. If you were Falsie, I would have not told you I was happy"

"Why?"

"You don't tell Falsie such things"

"But this is not about Falsie"

"Then why are asking such absurd questions?"

"Good point. What's for dinner?"

"Dosai and puli kuzhambu"

"Now I am happy"

"I know"

Scenes from a Marriage: The Silk / Fruit / Appliances edition

Paper, Cotton, Leather / Glass here. And when I said we couldn't possibly get more boring a year ago, I had no clue what I was talking about.

This morning. I wake up to find Bill packing.

"When is your flight?"

"Noon types"

"You are already late"

"I know"

"So what conference is this you are going to?"

"MTV 2009"

"What?"

"The non-Britney Spears kind. Microprocessor Test and Verification 2009"

"Really?"

"Yeah"

"I thought you do some CS theory type work"

"I do"

"How is this connected with MTV?"

"It sort of is. Or rather, we have managed to con them that it is"

"I see"

"Its not a big deal. Austin this time of the year is pretty nice"

"Yeah. Anoop knows you are coming?"

"Yes but I am not going to have much time to spend with him"

"Why not?"

"I have a packed schedule"

"Doing what?"

"Meeting people"

"Will they give you a job?"

"No"

"Will they give you any money?"

"No"

"What's the point then?"

"They will support my grant applications. It counts for something"

"Ah, grants. Whatever happened to the one you were applying to a few months ago?"

"Nothing happened. They are reviewing and asked for responses. I sent some"

"What did the reviewers say?"

"Very positive"

"Really? What did they say?"

"That I or rather my proposal is very ambitious and novel"

I thought about this for a minute. Long time readers of this blog no doubt know that ambitious and novel aren't exactly adjectives one would apply to the man in question.

"What were they asked to review on?"

"Well, on how ambitious and novel the proposal was"

"Ah"

"They could have said it wasn't"

"Right"

"Anyway, its still in the running"

"If you say no"

"You have got to have more faith in me, you know"

"On what basis?"

"World famous people I don't know think what I am proposing is ambitious and novel"

"You surely have a different defintion of world famous than the rest of the world"

"Oh shut up"

"Sure. Ah, what is this? In-flight reading?"

This being last book of the Millenium trilogy that happens to be on bedside table.

"I got it yesterday"

"You are buying hardcover pulp nowadays? Seem to have lots of money nowadays"

"It was on sale"

"Right"

"Anyway, its not for in-flight reading"

"Then?"

"I thought you might want to read it over the weekend"

"Why would I want to do that?"

"Since I am not around and stuff..."

"So this is stand-in for you?"

"You aren't really saying you don't want to read Bamse books?"

"No. But will this cook? Or do my laundry?"

"You can't have everything, you know"

"Surely I know that by now, don't you think?"

"Then what are you complaining about?"

"Who said I was complaining?"

"Whatever. Btw, your mum called when you were asleep"

"And?"

"She is going to get some wet grinder or something when she comes. She has bought the thing"

"Oh. She called early in the morning to say that?"

"Not really"

"Then? Oh wait..."

"Yeah...that too"

"Fuck"

"I know. Fuck"

You know you are way too old...

...when you suddenly realise that your first major international memory was twenty bloody years ago. But one shan't complain as it concerns one's favoritest city in the Continent.



All posts tagged Berlin here.

But what you should really be reading here and here. An usual suspect here.

Now we know who to blame

Oliver Stone. Never again will he let pigs be glorified, he says :)

And Times reporters having more fun - a few plot ideas.

Not that you asked me but still as someone who once shared a city with you...

here it is:

We have lost the South for a generation, said one of your predecessors when he signed into law what is probably the most important piece of legislation signed in your country in the last century. The "South" or what it signified did not matter to this Texan. There is no reason why it should to you. And anyway, a generation has gone by, and you still don't have the "South". Which basically means, Mr President, you have nothing to lose. It would be good to remember that.

Read and Cry

How does Texas live with this?

Further reading on topic in case you think this is an isolated case: Centre on Wrongful Convictions.