Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Scenes from a Marriage: The Cotton China Edition

(In case you were wondering, nothing's changed since the Paper Edition. We lead the same life in a different country. We still have the same reaction. Bill doesn't have a PhD or anything resembling a real job.)

And oh, Bill typed this up. I added some spice here and there of course but its mostly just Bill.

"Okay, so let's see, you were in India, then I was in Germany, then you were in US, then..."

"Then I will go to India, you will go to India, but to a different city, then I will go to Colombo, then..."

" will go to the US, then a month after, I will go the US, then you will go to Dubai"

"Isn't there something wrong here? Aren't married people, like, supposed to see each other more than once a month?"

"Well, you were the one complaining about how it feels strange to be together all the time, and pining for Pittsburgh-Chicago days"

"I know, that is not what I had in mind. People are asking appa if everything is all right between the two of us. If we are really together and all that"

"Didn't they used to ask him when I was finishing my phd?"

"Not anymore. Because he couldn't take it anymore, he lied and told them that you are already done"

"He what?"

"Hello, why is that a problem? Everyone including Her Majesty's Revenue Service and the U of Cambridge think you have a phd. Hell, until yesterday even Banker (Bill's friend from school who made his appearance here long ago) thought so"

"Yeah, and then you had to break it to him. Poor chap, he was telling everyone that I am Dr Bill"

"He will be alright. Now that he's come up with this idea of making you pretty and doing an expose..."

"He is doing what?"

"Oh, didn't we tell you? Banker and I discussed this yesterday. So the deal is you have been a post-doc fellow for a year now but you do not have a Phd. This is an expose that we are planning to sell to Oxford tabloids and make lots of money. Problem is this would only work if you were a little more pretty. So we are going to make you pretty"

"With friends like these!"

"Anyway, back to Appa and friends. We have to figure out something that he can tell them"

"Why don't you tell them things are grand between us? I get thoughtful gifts of bottles from every part of the world I travel to"

"And that is supposed to help? Appa will tell his friends that his son-in-law is making his daughter an alcoholic?"

"I am making you one? Right! I am sure you would hardly ever touch alcohol otherwise"

"Of course I don't. Shiva Shiva, I was such a nice Tam girl, until I met this vague north-indian"

"East! East! I know you lost marks in geography, but this is too much! You should ask your geography teacher to reimburse fees"

"Yes, I am Wasserkopf! My geography is bad, so I have to get you to navigate. Which is why we go round and round and round. It's my geography, of course"

"Besides the point. Don't evade the topic. You have a drinking problem"

"I have a drinking problem? Who drinks the other half of the bottle?"

"At least I accept the fact. Awareness is the first step to recovery"

"Where have you been, alcoholics anonymous?"

"Well, if you have to know, I got that from BM"

"BM? How is she involved in this?"

"She was afraid to tell you, but she told me. She thinks we have a drinking problem"

"I see. What else does she think that she's afraid to tell me about?"

"Again, not the point. Didn't MR also say that we drink too much?"

"Not only do you take BM seriously, you also take MR seriously. What's wrong with you?"

"I am a people person, remember? Of course I take them seriously"

"Value in relationships, that's what you are about!"

"That's what Bamse has taught me"

"Yes! Now we also listen to imaginary bears from Sweden"

"This is not just some bear. Bamse is the strongest and the kindest..."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever! Why don't you give up alcohol, if you are so concerned?"

"Sure, and go to Mahalakshmi temple every Sunday"

"We all know how you will claim you are going, and go across the street to Saravana Bhavan"

"And get dosai and appam! Mmmm..."

"And practice your Tam with the waiter"

"Hey, its not my fault if he thinks I am Tam and you are some vague N Indian"

"Yeah, proper Tam boy you are.."

"I will change name to Karthik Soundarajan!"

"Yes, and go pray at Mahalakshmi temple, eat at Saravana Bhavan, go home, and watch Rajni movies on Sun TV. Such a nice traditional Tam boy you are...."

"Yes, I am, aren't I?"

"In fact you are so traditional that even my parents will disown you"

"Ah! That might not be too bad. You know what the date is tomorrow, don't you?"

"No, No. STOP. I do not want to hear the M word, alright? Not from you of all people"

"Of course I am not going to say it. What do you take me for?"

"Yeah, its bad enough that my parents and your parents and all and sundry keep calling us and telling us how happy they are for us etc etc."

"I know, its like someone's won the Nobel or something. You know what I mean?"

"Exactly. Why can't they just forget it?"

"Yeah man, you would think two years is a long time for people to forget it"

"Two years? Did you say two years? Fuck"

"I know. Fuck"


Cheshire Cat said...

Congratulations / Commiserations. "Eyes Wide Shut"-type happy ending.

BTW, it's much more of a distinction to be a postdoc without a PhD than to be a postdoc with one. I find the oxymoronic nature of it rather appealing.

??! said...

Seems like an appropriate occasion to delurk. Knowing just how much you love mawkish sentiments ;)

So hello. And well done.

Space Bar said...


not sure what to say, actually, so maybe just 'hi'.

(veena just how much of it did you actually let bill write?)

blackmamba said...

2 years! 2 years! OMG people!

Bamse said...

Bamse does value relationships. And he drinks nothing but thunder honey and, well, of course the occassional belgian beer. And says congratz guys.

Anonymous said...

errr... Hugs? And Hershey Kisses?


Preeti said...

aww .. two years.. hugs!!

and yes, you do have a drinking problem .. you even add alcohol to your evening glass of milk .. shiva shiva .. what will you teach your kids!!

Anoop said...

Congratulations on two years of marital bliss. Wish you both many more!

Two years... I can't believe that your mom isn't beating you up to propagate the species yet...

Tabula Rasa said...

i know it's already been said but hey --


blackmamba said...

doesn't anyone care that you are selling out! product placement for Bamse funded startups! tsk tsk. very bad.

Veena and Bill, I think what Preeti really means is, if you are having an evening glass of milk - you must have a drinking problem.

And people, hugs and kisses are sooo Fall 2007.

zedzded said...

kangaroo veenz and Bill !

more hugs

now clear out all those empty bottles

Veena said...

People, people what are you doing? You were supposed to ignore the post. But since you did not, let me take this opportunity to make a larger point to BM: BM, tell me now why exactly do I need normal readers, why should I cater to normal readers when a post like this makes the entire psycho readership of this blog exhibit such disgustingly normal behaviour?

Cat: Glad to see you find it appealing. Our hope is that Oxford rags will also find it appealing.

??!: Hello there! Glad to see you delurk and all but you do realise that you have just joined the psycho / wannabe psycho club?

SB: It is that obvious eh? So the story is Bill typed up snippets of three different conversations we have had over the past few days and I was asked to stitch them all together. You can see what happened now.

Bamse: So glad to see you here! Yes, yes, we know Bamse values relationships. Now, if only we could get Bamse to love Starbucks!

(TR: Not to show off or anything but please note how imaginary friends come comment on my blog. You should so go start looking up your imaginary friends)

n!: Thanks but next time, can I get some real chocolate?

Preeti: Its BM you are thinking of. Irish cream + glass of milk is her sort of thing.

Anoop: How like you to start on that now!

TR: To tell you the truth, I prefer your sympathies from last year. I really do.

BM: Selling out? Dude, Bamse is my only oppty to get Bill to do some real work. This is not selling out, this is my life.

zedzed: How did I know you were going to say that? Yeah, there's 4 wine bottles and 2 milk cans that we need to throw into the recycle bin. Promise I will get Bill to do it soon.

Tabula Rasa said...

i haven't retracted those sympathies, you know.


Anonymous said...

Veena: My life is like a negative of yours. My spouse has a perfectly decent, well-paying job in BigAss Consulting Firm that handsomely subsidizes my PhD existence. He is willing to endlessly continue slaving away not to mention cook, clean, and make me endless cups of chai each day. So what do I do?

I worry him and nag him and emo blackmail him into giving it all up and doing something interesting (read non-paying). Surely, he can't enjoy working in Corporate America and earning big bucks, I ask? He reluctantly admits that he actually likes it. But its only because you haven't thought about how bored you are, I say to him. Think harder, you will realize you don't really like it at all so why not spare yourself the angst and do something now? Like chucking up this job that you like that pays you well and chasing some random idea that can only end in death and destruction and/or as a footnote in one of Falsie's morose suicide-fuelled short stories?

I would make noises about trading spouses if yours could cook a mean prawn pulao AND take out the garbage the next day. We can discuss terms and conditions offline.


blackmamba said...

umh, n! how would you like an ihusband? (since this is the seasons for all things imaginary and adding an 'i' infront of anything makes it instantly more marketable)

well, I don't really have a husband, but I sure can set you up with some michelin star chef to make you the prawn pulao and a cleaning service to take out the garbage the next day. yes?

this is too good a deal to walk away from. really.

veena: that taken care of. now, my dear, I am sure there is some magritte "this is not a pipe" element to all these hugs and kisses. you don't need to worry. just wait it out.

Space Bar said...

Actually, the Magritte element comes from TR's very cleverly inserted 'huggiez'. Change but the 'z' and it is diapers and kiddies and iMaginary and nightmarish possibilities that even Bamse cannot get these two out of that we're talking about.

n!: Veena and I were considering how you might like to do a post (on someone else's blog) about kids, and not having them. Radical matchmaking aunties also came into the picture but I've forgotten where. Maybe you and TR could cook up some research (with prawns in it if you insist) and produce an infallible argument against having kids. I can even volunteer as guinea pig.

Szerelem said...

oooh congratulations!
and since everyone is passing on virtual hugs one more won't hurt *hugz*

Falstaff said...

Veena: You realize by the time you get to, say, silver (insert panic attack here), this series is going to be a book in itself? I can see it now - Veena and Bill: A Post-modern Love Story. Feeling sorry for yourself means never having to say I love you.

Oh, and obligatory congratulations, etc.

n!: Must you gloat?

Tabula Rasa said...

ps. after those last two lines, are we to imagine a cut to a honeybee settling atop a waving flower?

Veena said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Veena said...

TR: How about just the sympathies?

n!: Anything to do with fish, Bill can make. Yes, I see this working. We could have our own reality show and make zillions of dollars. Lets do it!

BM: You keep your i numbers to yourself. Some of us can actually deal with reality, thank you.

OK, n! and TR, if we had saved the chat transcript we could tell you how we ended up with this idea but it had something to do with "radicalising" matchmaking aunties by getting them to nag people to get divorced, and somehow it also got to aunties telling people not to have kids, and then from there we decided we could get you both to do a proper post on it (as you know abt all random socio-psycho type studies real and imaginary). There is a small problem: Falsie will come up with one of his 5678 word comments on why the methodology of these studies are all wrong but seriously, who reads him anyway?

Szerelem: You too? Ok ok thanks.

Falstaff: I have to wait for 25 years to get a book out of this? Oh no!

TR (again!): Left to reader's imagination. While you are thinking bees and flowers, I bet a couple of other people here are thinking kitchen appliances.

Space Bar said...

Veena: bet a couple of other people here are thinking kitchen appliances.

Oi! Give credit where it's due! It was my idea!

Veena said...

SB: You might have an ugly fight on your hands. Falsie and n! might have patented this whole kitchen appliances thing.

All: In the interest of giving credit when its due and all, here are two suggestions for gifts for Bill for unmentionable special occasion.

1) From BM: Nude descending staircase stuck on ceiling (She claims to have gotten this by free association from words ceiling and pretentious). SB suggested just putting up a mirror on the ceiling which might have served the same purpose

2) From SB: Video of kitchen appliances. Thankfully, we did not get to the point of what these kitchen appliances will be doing.

In case you were wondering, no, of course not! Me buying present for Bill? Hello, don't you people read this blog or what?

??! said...

you do realise that you have just joined the psycho / wannabe psycho club
ehh. Thought that had happened the first time I commented on Falsie's blog.

Veena said...

??!: No, no. All sorts of vague, normal people read and comment on Falsie's blog. You think psychos will proclaim true love in his comments section and ask for his hand in marriage? Yeah right.

Space Bar said...

*ahem* I'd imagine only psychos would propose marriage via the comments section of a blog - any blog, even Falstaff's.

If you needed proof that your readers are not psycho, this is undoubtedly it.

Veena said...

SB: Your defn of psycho is all screwed up, I see. Here's the difference:

Psychos, if they were intersted in Falstaff (which is such a frightening thought, but hey, we are talking abt psychos) would stalk him. They would turn up at Penn ka library in Philly and look for the guy who comes in everyday with 13 books, follow him home, etc. You get the idea. Normal people (who would have probably watched movies with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan in it) propose marriage on blog and expect to get hitched.

See the difference?

Oh, and SB, we all realise that you are trying hard to prove you are non-psycho and all but it ain't working alright?

Tabula Rasa said...

kitchen appliances!!!

*that's* where the whole babies in microwaves thing came from!!!

??! said...

Somebody who followed falsie around, but then went to his blog and proposed marriage would be....? Semi-pyscho? Getting-there pyscho? Doesnt-dare-to-be-fully-pyscho?

Tabula Rasa said...

logically, falsie's true mate would have to be someone who needed a padded.

Ravages/CC said...