Friday, September 10, 2010

Jobless Bill (as always)

"Did I tell you about S?"

"The Texan?"


"What about him?"

"He is making all disgruntled comments about taking up jobs in banking"


"Yeah, so he asks about firms which do functional programming and P was being totally useless. He was telling S about some telecom company in France"

"Wait, wait, hang on"


"S is looking for a job?"

"Obviously. I am telling you long story and you ask such silly questions"

"The problem is some things aren't very obvious as you may think they are"

"Like what?"

"Like okay, S is the guy who works with you?"

"I don't see where this is going"

"Stay with me. Yes or No?"


"You guys turned up in Cambridge more or less the same time?"

"Same day actually"

"Both for post-doc?"

"Dude, what are you trying..."

"With the same advisor"


"So S is looking for a job?"


"And you aren't. Why?"

"I think I hear the monkey crying"

"No, its not"

"Maybe I should go check anyway"

"Maybe you should answer my question"

"Oh that. I have this funding right?"

"Yeah, my tax money. But S also has some sort of funding, doesn't he?"

"Through P, yes"

"Doesn't matter. P will fund him for whatever number of years"


"And he is looking for a job"

"Well, yeah"

"You aren't. Why?"

"Its not that I am not looking. If something were to happen, not like I won't take it"

"If something were to happen. Like some FSM dropping a job through the roof when you haven't bothered to apply for it?"

"Actually there aren't jobs out there"

"Right. S is applying for these non-existent jobs"

"Well, the point is he is no getting anywhere"

"But why aren't you applying to them?"

"Well, I haven't thought about it much"


"I don't know"

"I do"

"You do?"

"Yeah. What does S's partner do?"

"Her funding is running out"

"Exactly. So for you to find a job, I should not have one"

"Ah, I see now. You want to quit"

"Why would I want do that?"

"You just said you did"

"No, I said if I quit, then maybe you would think of getting a real job"

"But you aren't quitting, and I am not going to think of a job and we both know that. What else do you want me to say?"

"Nothing else, thank you"

(to be continued)

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Transporting Monkey

(Background score brought to you by monkey)

"When we move back to civilisation..."

"We will not run into people with Bamse prizes in our local post office"

"Even Bamse goes a little crazy sometimes"

"Not that many times, he doesn't"

"Okay, alright, I give you that one. Anyway, once we move back to civilisation..."

"Which is populated by banker types..."

"Alright. Maybe not that civilised. Once we move back to a real city..."

"Yes, thank you. Real city which is completely unaffordable...

"But where people happen to work for a living as opposed to staring at ceilings..."

"I don't quite understand why anyone would want to work when they can just stare at ceiling"


"Because people need to pay the rent"

"But I can afford rent just by staring at ceilings"

"Not in London, you can't"

"My point exactly"

"If you are actually offering to pay rent, we can live here. I will quit"


"Hang on, hang on, how did we get to you quitting again?"

"You offered to pay rent"

"But we have other expenses. Like travel. Like monkey"

"How about you stare at a few more ceilings?"

"I doubt if that will help. And anyway, you can't like quit"

"Why not?"

"Its not fair"

"To whom?"

"To you, of course. Imagine being stuck with monkey all the time"

"Who said anything about monkey? We will put it in some nursery"


"So what will you do?"

"I don't know. I will figure out something"

"But who will pay for nursery?"

"Good question. Who do you think?"

"Fine. We are moving back to London"

"Good. Now that's settled, we need to figure out monkey transport"

"Huh? It crawls. It transports itself"

"It can't crawl on the road"

"Do we need to take it to the road?"

"Not very often"

"It is useful sometimes though to take it. Like when I put it on airline counter when we had loads of extra baggage. They gave us no trouble"

"Exactly. And we can't keep carrying it as it gets heavier"


"Good point. So we need some baby trolley type thingy"


"I hate those contraptions. They are always in the way"


"But we need to get one"


"Do they cost much?"

"Preliminary investigation indicates yes. Like all baby things, it costs a lot"

"Dude, did I tell you about the Scand store which was selling very decent clothes?"

"Yes, we make clothes for children. Not for boys. Not for girls"

"Good, no? Did you check it out?"

"Yes. Its like Whole Foods, only Scandinavian. Costs about 10 times as much for just not being pink or blue. Place to be seen at for a certain kind of segment"


"Yeah. I think plain white will do for monkey. Unless you are going to pay"

"No, no, makes sense. Anyway it has enough from India. Back to trolley"

"I don't think its called a trolley. Its called a travel system"


"Same thing no?"


"How much are these things?"

"Discount celebrity brands. There is one Scand brand but its even higher than celebrity brand"

"Sure it looks cool"

"Of course. Stokke its called. Anyway, way out of range"

"What is range?"

"Basically there are things from 250 quid to about a grand. Accessories extra"

"What accessories?"


"Who knows? You think I have nothing else to do?"

"Hmm. Wonder if there are alternatives"

"Sure. We can just not take it anywhere"

"Someone will call Child Services"

"Surely its not a crime to take it nowhere. You are keeping it safe at home"

"What do we do when we have to go somewhere?"

"Monkey Home Alone. Maybe it will make a movie"

"Right. Listen, I have an idea"


"Travel system. Trolley. All the same. The best part is monkey has already been on one and it loves it"

"What are you talking about?"

"You know when we went grocery shopping last week?"

"Sainsbury trolley?!"

"Why not?"

"Its like a 1 quid deposit. We can give it back after 3 years or whatever"

"I know. How cool is that? And we can do shopping as well. 2 in 1 function"

"Nobody will actually steal a shopping cart. Its safe too"

"Yes, I think it checks all the boxes"

"And guess what? If monkey feels like it wants a better brand..."

"...we can upgrade to Waitrose cart! Hehe"

"Wait, how will we put it in car boot?"

"I thought we are moving to London. Where are you going in car?"

"Yeah but they won't let it in the tube, will they?"

"For tube, we will get a folding shopping cart. Bet its under 10 quid"

"Bill, darling, you are a genius. You should stare at more ceilings"