Scenes from a Marriage: The Paper Edition

Me: Hello?

Bill: Hey. You are going to throw me in the Thames, I hear.

Me: Yeah.

Bill: How scary. The crocodiles there are all waiting for me I am sure.

Me: Its not funny.

Bill: No, you really are going to throw me into the river. Of course.

Me: No, no we cannot live in London.

Bill: Why?

Me: Because we cannot afford it.

Bill: Nonsense. Last time I checked London was full of colleges. Imperial, Kings, hajjar. Lots of students live there.

Me: But you are not a student. Neither am I.

Bill: Wait, my advisor told you I am graduating? When exactly did this happen?

Me: No, I mean you won't be a student when you live in London.

Bill: I will be a post-doc. Its close.

Me: Regardless, the point is I am not a student and I do not intend to live like one.

Bill: Then don't.

Me: Then you have to take up a real job. We cannot afford it.

Bill: Well, What you are really saying is that you cannot afford the lifestyle you want. And so I have to take up some vague Canary Wharf job because then you can live in Mayfair.

Me: No, if I was by myself then I will be alright. I just need a studio and stuff. You are the problem.

Bill: I see. Then lets do this. You live in your studio in London. I will live in a student apartment in Cambrige. I will come over during the weekend or something. It will be like Chicago and Pitt.

Me: Great! Why didn't I think of that before?

Bill: See that's what you need me for.

Me: Yeah right. You idiot, listen. Why the hell do we need to spend money on two apartments an hour away from each other? And one of them inside the city of London? London isn't exactly Manhattan, Kansas you know.

Bill: Hmm... But then we can live somewhere in between na. The rents won't be so high also.

Me: Like where? Now you want to live in some UK version of Schaumburg, IL?

Bill: No, No Oh God No.

Me: So what I am saying is...

Bill: Yes, I know what to do! We live in Cambridge! Problem solved.

Me: And I with my 14-hour job take the 3 hour commute everyday while you bloody postdoc sit and stare at ceiling? Somehow, I knew this is where you were headed.

Bill: Well, its not my fault that you are some vague sales consultant.

Me: You want me to give up my job now?

Bill: Don't be stupid. Ofcourse not. After all, they are picking up the tab for our relocation, right?

Me: Among other things, yes.

Bill: All I was saying was that once we move and settle down, I am sure you can take up some better paying job near Cambridge, the place is full of tech startups.

Me: And what exactly would I do in a tech startup?

Bill: Good question. And what exactly do you think I will do in the financial district?

Me: I don't know. But they are ready to hire you right?

Bill: They will hire any one. They look randomly for people.

Me: Besides the point.

Bill: Anyway, these i-bankers aren't exactly the most interesting of people.

Me: So you will become all uninteresting if you hang out with them?

Bill: Well, it isn't a great work atmosphere. And maybe I will also become like them only.

Me: Nonsense. I know lots of intereting i-bankers.

Bill: Name one.

Me: Well...

Bill: See what I mean.

Me: Yeah, you wait till I tell Banker this.

Bill: Banker is the exception and he will probably tell you that himself.

Me: Hmm...So you work just for a couple of years and then move back to academia. Works na?

Bill: No, that is not how academia works. I do not know of anyone who got back to research on theory of programming languages after 2 years at an investment bank.

Me: But that doesn't mean..

Bill: that I cannot do it? You serious about this?

Me: Of course.

Bill: Okay, I will do it.

Me: What?

Bill: I said I will do it for a couple of years.

Me: Wait, what are you saying?

Bill: You can't hear me now? I said I will take up some job with one of the banks for a few years. We can live lavishly in London and do hajjar travel.

Me: Are you alright?

Bill: Yes. Just seeing sense finally.

Me: But what about Cambridge?

Bill: I will tell them that I can't make it there. If I feel like it, I will call them in a couple of years. Maybe. He He.

Me: What about your academic career?

Bill: What academic career? I haven't started one yet.

Me: But your visa is all done.

Bill: That's all logistics. Can be worked out.

Me: But you aren't suited for anything other than academia.

Bill: Says who? New avatar will happen. You wait and see.

Me: No, no, certain people are meant to do only certain things. You are meant to teach and do research and stare at ceiling.

Bill: Really?

Me: Yeah

Bill: You are sure about this?

Me: Yes I am.

Bill: Then you won't crib anymore and tell people about your useless, lowly paid postoc spouse?

Me: I will. Because its true.

Bill: Of course. You married me so that you can get sympathy vote from everyone about how useless your spouse is.

Me: That and to get my mom to stop crying.

Bill: Speaking of all that, do you know....

Me: Please, thats all amma's talking about nowadays. Its about how last year this time, we did this and that and how it is so sad you aren't around now. I want to run away only.

Bill: Yeah, my mom called me too. Apparently I have to get you something.

Me: I won't say No to gifts. Just make sure it doesn't arrive today.

Bill: Of course. Fuck. Its been a year.

Me: I know. Fuck.

***

PS: Yeah, new series. Don't worry, thirty years later I will do Saraband too.