Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Turning over a new leaf: The Kid special edition

Bill called his parents over the weekend and found out about major upheavals in the Kid's life. Bill was shocked.[1] He walked around aimlessly, muttering something to himself for the next five minutes.

"Is everything alright?"

"You aren't going to believe this"

Before I could reply, he went on.

"Of course you won't believe this. No one will. You know what he is upto now? He is apparently going to the gym. 4 days a week. Did you hear that? 4 days a week. Fibbing to my parents like that. I will call him right now and tell him what I think of his fibbing. How can he lie like that? Just because they don't live in Bombay anymore, he thinks he can get away with anything!"

"But then, he doesn't lie that much also. He is all truthful kid. Like me. Which means he must be going to gym only. If he says 4, he is atleast going there for 2 days. Don't you think? I cannot believe this is my brother. You think he got switched in the hospital when he was born? He cannot have been born in my family"

"Bill...darling...let me get you some brandy. Here, sit down"

"I don't want any brandy. To think that my real brother is walking the streets of Calcutta unaware that I exist. Oh God! What am I to do now?"

"Chill. I am sure there's a rational explanation for this. All you have to do now is to call the Kid and find out. Here's the phone. Call him now"

"I know I can call him alright? You don't need to tell me that. But what if there isn't an explanation? What is he is really going to the gym 4 days a week because he just likes it or something?"

"Well, it is not that bad. Let him go if he likes it. Atleast he will get a little healthy. Good only na?"

"What? You don't understand, do you? I am telling you if he is doing that he cannot be my brother. I know this alright? What am I to do then? How will I start searching for my real brother?"

This went on for about half an hour before Bill summoned up all courage and decided to find out for once and for all whether the Kid is his blood brother or not. It took a while for the story to come out, the Kid was a little reluctant especially since there were a couple of places where both Bill and I nearly choked and died of laughter. So anyway, the point is Bill is alright. He now knows for sure that the Kid is his blood brother, and so he doesn't have to go singing "yaadon ki.." in the streets of Calcutta. And more importantly, there's enough material in this for a blog post. So here goes (as told by the Kid with some edits):

So bright new spanking gym opens in office. I think:
A) I'm fat
B) I do nothing constructive in office
C) "£$%^&*! have blocked Orkut. So I cannot communicate with any of my 12,543 "friends"
Hence, I should go gym. I know, very uncharacteristic thinking, even more so as me thinking is uncharacteristic.
(Ed: Please note that a few months ago, the Kid would never have reached this conclusion. This is what big, evil companies (even if they are situated just a mile away from the institution) can do to our young, innocent boys)

So I go to gym. Big Hunk (BH) aka Personal Trainer comes to greet me as soon as I enter.

"Good afternoon Sir. Can I help you?"

"Yes, I am checking out the gym"

"Checking out? What is there to check out?"

"Err..the facilities, equipment etc."

"You don't look like you know anything about the equipment here. Have you been to a gym before?"

"Of course I haven't been to this one"

"Yes, but have to been to any gym before?"

"Oh, so we don't have a pool. Hmm.."

"So you are a swimmer?"

I walk around. BH follows.

"Sir, if you do plan to use the gym, we need to do a fitness evaluation first"

"Oh! okay. How do I get that done?"

"I ask you some questions. And we do a couple of tests or so"

"Shall I get an appointment for next week for that?"

"No, I am free now. We can do that now"


BH starts evaluation.

Weight: 77 kg
Height: 164 cm
Body fat %: 29 (BH shows me big chart which says Normal is 15)
Age: 22

I don't quite like the look on BH's face.

"Is everything okay?"

"Hah! You're the most unfit 22 year old I've ever seen"


"You have all the major risk factors for heart disease, see this chart here. Sedentary lifestyle, check. Obesity, check. Fondness for cheese, check. And one more factor that's not on this chart. Bengali. Check."

"So what do I do? What do I do?"

"Do you drink?"

"Aah, so that's what I should do? That eases the tension! Good suggestion"

"No, you buffoon! Do you or do you not have close relations with alcohol?"

Me scared witless. "umm, yes"

BH eyes glinting. "How much?"

Now I'm really scared of this fellow, so I decide a little white lie is in order.

"ummm...3 times a week"

"Too much! Stop drinking"

"Sob Sob, keun meun.."

"You argue? let me tell you, I'll guarantee you at least a mild heart attack in 3 years. You'll be dead at 30"


"You should think about a good life insurance policy. Let me take your BP now"

"Ya right, like what you just said is going to help my pressure"


"Now I'm going to let you go, there's no hope for you and your coffeechocolatecheesebeer-ing ways, UNLESS (wicked, wicked grin) you come to gym 4 times a week"

"keun meun, I cant do any tough exercise"

"Hah! Like I'll let you do anything tough. I dont want the liability of an obese person collapsing in my gym. I wont let you touch anything for one month"

"So what will I do then?"

"I'll just make you walk. One hour a day"

So I went. Once, twice. Then I stopped. BH called my extension.

"Aren't you coming to the gym today?"

"I am a little busy today. I have loads of work"

"Nonsense. I saw you at the water cooler chatting for hours together. You come down now"


So thats the story. You happy now?

[1] Yes, BM, yes, Anoop, he was shocked. You never knew he was capable of that, did you?

1 comment:

Anoop said...

Yup, I had no idea Bill could be shocked. :)