Friday, September 26, 2008

Sampoorna Veena

You didn't really think I was going to let this go without a post, did you? Chat transcript from a few minutes ago with a few changes.

"Hey. You around?"

"Yeah"

"Ready to come back?"

"Not really. Do I have a choice?"

"You can always go back soon"

"Go back where?"

"India only"

"Why am I coming back?"

"Because you miss home"

"I do? Okay"

"So when will you go back next?"

"Next year sometime"

"What about December?"

"December?"

"Yeah, you have time off then right?"

"Didn't we like talk about this like a few weeks ago and decide that its better if I go to India now?"

"Yeah but maybe your parents will be happier to see you soon"

"I am not so sure. And besides, December is double the cost"

"I know. But if you really want to go home..."

"Are you coming to India in December?"

"I haven't thought about it"

"Oh. I thought you had lots of vacation days left"

"I do but I haven't figured out my plans"

"Okay"

"What else is happening?"

"Nothing much"

"Did you sync up with any of your friends?"

"Yeah, spoke to a few"

"Like K"

"Yeah, I spoke to him, he is crazy busy"

"What is he doing December?"

"How do I know? And anyway, why do you want to know?"

"I don't know. Just wondering what peoples' plans were"

"How does K's plans impact you?"

"It doesn't, I guess. Hey, how is our Banker Kid doing?"

"He is alright. Now that he quit, he seems more human"

"He wasn't that bad. Just a quant monkey"

"Yeah, I guess"

"So what is he doing in December?"

"Hang on. Enough naatak"

"Okay. So I was speaking to this chap..."

"Which chap?"

"This chap I work with"

"Okay?"

"And he was telling me something about some alumni meetup"

"What alumni meetup?"

"Of people from your institution"

"Oh that comedy. They have nothing better to do"

"Yeah"

"But who talks about these things? All that goes to junk mail that I delete. What kind of losers do you hang out with at work?"

"Yeah, he is the loser type only. So he was telling me how there's one in December"

"Wait, people actually go to these things?"

"I guess if you have something to show-off which some of us obviously don't, it might not be a such a bad idea to go to one of these things"

"And this chap you spoke to has something to show off?"

"Okay, give up. Did you read Luddo's latest?"

"No"

"He has the details. Its called PanIIT or something"

"Luddo has links to PanIIT meets? Okay, I am not reading him anymore. Its over"

"Its over? Are you having an affair with Luddo?"

"Not the point. He has been putting up links on IIT meets?"

"No, no, wait, its not like that"

"Then?"

"There were these special events for spouses..."

"And Luddo is in charge of organising them? This is even worse than I thought"

"No, no, why don't you go read the post first? And here is the spouse link"

A few minutes later.

"Okay I am back"

"So?"

"It makes sense"

"What makes sense?"

"Can you innovate? I will join Luddo and we will be spouses"

"Not the point. I can't innovate. I want to go to spouse meet"

"Why?"

"I will become sampoorna nari then"

"What use is that to me? Who will make money?"

"Don't be silly. Sampoorna is everything. Personal, professional everything"

"How many sampoorna women do you know who make more money than their spouses? Actually how many sampoorna women do you know?"

"I don't know any and that's precisely why I should go and learn to become one"

"No, I want to do this"

"Why?"

"Aren't you the one who keeps singing "momma's gonna take you back / teach you all the things you lack" at me?

"This is not your momma"

"So? They will teach me all the things I lack. Isn't that all you need?"

"Nonsense. Anyway they won't let you there as you are alumni. Only spouses can go to spouse meet"

"Oh"

"Yeah"

"Then we are not going"

"What?"

"Let me get this straight - I get to spend the three boringest days of my entire life while you get to have fun with the spouses. Not fair. Who says I don't want to learn kili josiyiam? What the hell is that btw?"

"Parrot astrology"

"You are kidding"

"No"

"Then we have to go"

"Exactly. It will be a coup. There's even a book in there"

"Learning kili josiyam in our islands of excellence!"

"Open only for spouses though. The male of the species, err...I mean the alumni are all innovating"

"Hmm...I see how this has to be done but I am not kidding, I really cannot stand them for three straight days"

"Well, why don't you be there for Day One and then we shall attempt a rescue?"

"How?"

"Make up something. I know! We will say the LHC has run into problems and they are calling you to fix it and so you had to leave"

"Brilliant. Lets do it"

PS: Obviously there is some serious indignation that can be thrown into this but I think Luddo does a nice job of it already and I have nothing to add. Except to say that it doesn't really come as such a big WTF to me because seriously, who expected them to do anything different?

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

I LOVE IT!!! Can non-IIT spouses also join in??? We'll pay the NRI fees or whatever. It sounds so much like one of those Geisha Training Programs only without the messy kimonos. No, not like that. More like one of those executive training programs you to go only after this one, you can come home and start your highly successful Phone Sex Chat service.

n!

Ludwig said...

Does Bill qualify in the "presentable young escort" category? I really think you (Veena) should go and innovate and procreate and whatever it is those fellows are doing, while we (i.e. self and Bill) go and check out the kiLis doing their, y'know, like, josiyam thing.

> Except to say that it
> doesn't really come as
> such a big WTF to me
> because seriously, who
> expected them to do
> anything different?

sigh. And the scales drop from eyes. That's the saddest thing I've heard in a while.

Space Bar said...

BM and I suggest Luddoo and n! should go together to this thingy. They can work out who's the spouse and whose the innovator or whatever. Or both can do only temple viewing and Shetty viewing. And report to us hourly.

Veena said...

n!: Ooh. This is brilliant. You will not have to stand in line to apply for receptionist jobs anymore, you can be an entrepreneur! Woo-hoo. We will get you in somehow, if nothing works (as SB and BM suggest) we can chuck Luddo's young man out and get you in instead.

Luddo: Wait, I thought you were happy to spend entire day with me but now you want Bill? I really wonder what's going on here.

Seriously, why is it sad and unexpected? I am beginning to get all indignant now at people like you and Bill. Which world do you guys inhabit? Is it not the one I live in?

Reminds me of a conversation with Bill when his parents were here. We were all pulling Bill's leg over his inability to take a stand even on the things that he cares deeply about, and we were trying to get him to air his views clearly on various topics. (BM: Yes, it proved to be unsuccessful for the most part) At some point we got to gender and this is sort of how the conversation went:

"What about gender and equal rights and all that stuff? Don't you feel strongly about it?"

"Its not a controversial topic is it?"

"Its not?"

"I don't think so"

"Okay then what is your position?"

"I don't know. The default position I guess"

"I see. What is the default position?"

"Don't be silly"

"No I really want to understand. What is the default position on gender?"

"The one you hold"

"And that's default?"

"Logically yes"

"How many people do you know who hold it?"

"Well..."

"Forget all people you know as then you will get a lot of older people and stuff. Lets think of your friends say just from your institution. How many of them hold the same view?"

"Many"

"How many? I will name your friends, you tell me if they hold it or not"

"You are being difficult"

"Maybe. But seriously, think through the list and tell him exactly how many of them hold what is your view on gender"

"Maybe not many"

"How few?"

"Less than a handful"

"And therefore, that is the default position?"

Anyway. Not sure what the point is. Just wanted to have a conversation in the comments!

SB, BM: Actually I think we should all go.

Cat, are you lurking? Can you please take one of us? I am sure we can find more Cat types (who anyway are looking to shock with by taking inappropriate people with them) and con them to take us all. It will be a party! I am so looking fwd to this now.

Space Bar said...

oooooooh! i just had a brainwave!

let's go with cat and luddoo and get kili josier to find ideal girl for these guys. it will:

1. confound the shit out of josier
2. give us all a damn good laugh
3. find life partner for cat and luddoo.

Veena said...

SB: So many mangoes with one stone! Cool. So lets see - as of now we have you, me, BM, n!, Cat, Luddo and Bill. We need to get one more alum ...no...wait.

Cat, Luddo, Bill: Which one of you want to go with two spouses? Considering the century your fellow alums seem to live in, it shouldn't be a problem. In fact, you might be considered "real men" (for a change).

blackmamba said...

wait. I want to go the Offspring's of Innovators program. Don't they have anything for the likes of us?

I want to show up there with an intravenous drip setup that directly puts some alcohol in my system while I am there.

&ltOT&gt but Sampoorna reminds me of Chicken Sampoorna mmm&lt/OT&gt

Anonymous said...

ulp.


<OT> but Sampoorna reminds me of Chicken Sampoorna... mmm</OT>

Veena said...

BM: Are you sure? You do realise that you will be assigned to the daycare centre to teach Irodov problems to 2-12 year olds? (Only the boys of course, the girls will learn to put kolams)

On OT: Finally! That is why sampoorna sounded so familiar! Isn't that the joint in Gandhipuram where we used to spend Sat afternoons hogging chicken manchurian?

bill said...

Hey! What are the poor innovators, transformers and capacitors to do while all apoornas become sampoorna? Perhaps there can be a course where all these innovators will be taught how to hold a conversation with naris, of whichever purana?

Cheshire Cat said...

Always happy to oblige. Seriously. What I do insist on is adequate compensation for the shock and horror of visiting my alma mater.

Space Bar said...

cat: you don't consider shilpa shetty teaching yogalates in the latest dharme zone gear (or whatever variation thereof) adequate compensation?

Cheshire Cat said...

Space: Certainly not, you might be confusing me with someone else...

But a meal at Dakshin Chitra - that's beginning to sound more like it.

Veena said...

Cat: Come on now. The pleasure of our company in addition to finding life partner (via kili josier) is not adequate compensation?

Cheshire Cat said...

OK, kili josier is tempting, but what would really tip it is a promise to report on festivities on your blog afterward.

Veena said...

Cat: That is after all the primary reason why we are all going - so yep, we shall have a daily update on blog with pictures et al.

Actually we can make it into a book. With our combo (IIT + kili josiyam + sampoorna), we will overtake Chetan Bhagat.

Anonymous said...

Yes I know. Now that the silly voters aren't bailout out those lovely investment bankers who would've given me that Receptionist job, will have to think of alternatives. And what better than Phone Sex Chat line for ex-bankers? IIT-trained operators and all that. Shall be named "Sampoorna Sex Banking".

n!

Anonymous said...

Pardon the grammar all around. This Sampoorna thing is really too exciting to bother with English as she is spoke.

n!

Falstaff said...

n!: I know you have this theory that employers get a kick out of having people with high-status degrees answer phones for a living, but really - a phone sex line with IIT-trained operators? That's like a gynecology clinic run by plumbers. Or a fashion boutique run by Star Trek fans. Even if your operators were IIT-trained I would think you would want to keep that fact under wraps, instead of advertising it.

Anonymous said...

Falsie, if you do read Dan Savages column you will realize there is a wealth of sexual preferences out there - and I aim to satisfy but a small niche - those who would want Sampoorna Satisfaction from talking to five-point-somethings who have seen Shilpa Shetty's navel at close quarters and lived to chat the tale. Not to mention parrots - kind of Leda and the Swanish don't you think???

n!

Ludwig said...

SV:

> Seriously, why is it sad
> and unexpected?

It's not sad? I will freely admit (now that blood pressure has reached customary carcass level) that it isn't entirely unexpected.

> I am beginning to get all
> indignant now at people like
> you and Bill. Which world do
> you guys inhabit? Is it not
> the one I live in?

Err...Bill? Can someone please have Bill take this question?

You're not allowed to hold conversations in comments. Shame shame. Even if they do sound like something straight out of a Hacker-Appleby-Woolley skit.

SB:

> let's go with cat and
> luddoo and get kili
> josier to find ideal
> girl for these guys.

Hallo?

1. Luddoo? [There's an idea for a ranting WTF...]
2. My highly evolved and logical intellect tells me that the consequences of setting a cat loose amongst a kili josier's paraphernalia will result in 1 nos. satiated cat, -1 nos. card picking kili, and 1 nos. unemployed josier.

Space Bar said...

Luddoo: Yes, it's kind of stuck now, no? Sweet names are like that.

And what you just said makes me wish there were pigeon josiers instead. I would gladly sacrifice them to cats, cheshire or otherwise. Now youhave to settle for a card-carrying kili what to do.

Veena said...

Luddo: This Cat is probably veggie so we can feed it luddoo instead and save kili.

Or if Cat is bent on finishing off kili, no worries on account of josier's empployment. Falsie's promised to come as kili. We will put him in a cage and ask him to pick cards.