Wedding Bells Part 1: My Big Fat Church Wedding

Over the last two days, two of my dearest friends called me to tell me that they were getting married soon. [No, not to each other.] These two friends are poles apart and the two conversations went in completely different directions, so I figured I would post both of them here. The first conversation follows, it is sort of long so will post the second one later in the week.

Received a call from AF this morning.

Moi: Hello.

AF: Hey, I am getting married.

Moi: Who is this guy?

AF: He works with me.

Moi: Same guy who used to call you up hazaar times when you were at my wedding?

AF: Actually no. This is his friend.

Moi: But I thought you were all serious about him.

AF: No, no. This is the guy I like. Plus he wants to get married.

Moi: Oh, I see. Did S meet him while she was there?

AF: Yeah, she knows him. She likes him fine. He is all very cool and stuff. I was trying to set up S with him at some point.

Moi: Good show. So she didn't like him?

AF: Na, I just happened to like him more.

Moi: Ah. Your mom's all okay with this guy?

AF: Yeah, no problem there. She just wants me to get married.

Moi: That sounds familiar. What about his parents?

AF: They are all cool too.

Moi: So you sure he ain't psycho?

AF: What?

Moi: Well, you know, your taste in men tends to go over the top sometimes.

AF: Yeah right. Of course I was the one who went after the dude who used to frequent graveyards and memorize the names on the tombstones.

Moi: I didn't marry him, did I? Anyway, he could name any Tolkien character in his sleep. It was worth it.

AF: Of course, that's the perfect test for marriage. You wake him up in the middle of the night and ask him to name some imaginary hobbit.

Moi: Hey, I said I didn't marry him, okay?

AF: Okay..so are you admitting that the man you married cannot name Tolkien characters in his sleep?

Moi: When I did say that? He can if I manage to wake him up. Which ain't exactly easy. And anyway, why exactly are we talking about me? When is the date?

AF: We have to figure out all that. I want a church wedding so dates aren't that easy.

Moi: Man's a true believer too?

AF: No, he is Tam Bram.

Moi: You mean Tam Brams aren't true believers? Don't let S hear that now. She will come after you with a broom.

AF: She is bonkers. Anyway, this man ain't religious.

Moi: So the church is all cool? I remember some vague comedy at least in Malluland about how you have to be Christian to get married in the church. Doesn't work that way in your part of the world?

AF: That is there. So we are getting him converted.

Moi: You are what?

AF: I told you, he isn't religious.

Moi: Exactly. So you are converting him?

AF: It doesn't matter to him and I want a church wedding. I want my gown and my flower girls and my bridesmaids and stuff. So I figured what the hell.

Moi: This guy agreed to this?

AF: Yeah. Told him he could kiss the bride and scandalize whole of Tuticorin. He agreed immediately.

Moi: Hmm...but won't he have to go change all his certificates and stuff?

AF: Na, its just the church records.

Moi: So you are cheating God now?

AF: Just the church since God doesn't care one way or the other.

Moi: So when you have a kid, would it be baptized? And brought up as a Catholic?

AF: What? Haven't thought about that but I guess so. Why are you asking all these strange questions?

Moi: I don't know. Remember A? Her Dad is Hindu and Mom is Catholic. When she and her sister were kids, parents asked kids whether they wanted to be baptized. Kids figured that if they go to chruch every Sunday they can't watch the Mahabharat, so they said No. I thought that was funny.

AF: I don't think its that funny. My mom wants the kid to be all Catholic.

Moi: Ah, see. And your in-laws want it to chant Gayathri mantram every morning. This is all fun.

AF: Dude, there's a reason why are discussing the religion of my unconceived kid right?

Moi: No, I can't think of any really. Btw, do you know for sure it is unconceived? Birth control doesn't work all the time you know.

AF: I give up. Enough. Just tell me whether you will make it to the wedding.

Moi: Are you paying for the bridesmaids dresses?

AF: Only if I choose the dresses.

Moi: Doesn't work. Can't fly all the way there and then buy my own dress.

AF: Okay dude. As long as you don't look like the bride, I will pay for it.

Moi: Don't worry. I won't steal the groom. Not like you were planning to steal mine.

AF: I was planning to steal your groom? Dude, you begged me to steal him remember? The day before the wedding all drunk on that stolen bottle of that wretched rum? You were sure you were going to run away from mandap and you wanted a standby bride.

Moi: Yeah, should have gone through with that. What to do now? Anyway, gotta go now. Bye.

AF: Bye, take care. Talk to you soon.