Missing the psycho line (among other things)

Opened an old handbag to find this. For a moment, thought monkey had become an artist before realisation struck.

And then needless to say, had to go and re-read my favourite lines on the Tube written by one of my favouritest living writers.

As the fine denizens of London Town know, each tube line has a distinct personality and range of mood swings. The Victoria Line, for example, breezy and reliable. The Jubilee Line, the young disappointment of the family, branching out to the suburbs, eternally having extensions planned, twisting round to Greenwich, and back under the river out east somewhere. The District and Circle Line, well, even Death would rather fork out for a taxi if he's in a hurry. Crammed with commuters for King's Cross or Paddington, and crammed with museum-bound tourists who don't know the craftier short cuts, it's as bad as how I imagine Tokyo. I had a professor once who asked us to prove that the Circle Line really does go around in a circle. Nobody could. I was dead impressed at the time. Now what impresses me is that he'd persuaded somebody to pay him to come up with that sort of tosh. Docklands Light Railway, the nouveau riche neighbour, with its Prince Regent, its West India Quay, and its Gallions Reach and its Royal Albert. Stentorian Piccadilly wouldn't approve of such artyfaryness, and neither would his twin uncle, Bakerloo. Central, the middle-aged cousin, matter-of-fact, direct, no forking off or going the long way round. That's about it for the main lines, except the Metropolitan, which is too boring to mention, except that it's a nice fuchsia colour and you take it to visit the dying.

...

The Northern Line is black on the maps. It's the deepest. It has the most suicides, you're most likely to be mugged on it, and its art students are most likely to be future Bond Girls. There's something doom-laden about the Northern Line. Its station names: Morden, Brent Cross, Goodge Street, Archway, Elephant and Castle, the resurrected Mornington Crescent. It was closed for years: I remember imagining I was on a probe peering into the Titanic as the train passed through. Yep, the Northern Line is the psycho of the family. Those bare-walled stations south of the Thames that can't attract advertisers. Not even stair-lift manufacturers will advertise in Kennington tube station. I've never been to Kennington but if I did I bet there'd be nothing but run-down fifties housing blocks, closed-down bingo halls, and a used-car place where tatty plastic banners fuppetty-flup in the homeless wind. The sort of place where best-forgotten films starring British rock stars as working-class antiheroes are set. There but for the grace of my credit cards go I.

London is a language. I guess all places are.

ps: Yes, of course I am going to see Cloud Atlas. I know the reviews are bad. Do I sound like I care?

Looper

How does one get from Archipelago to Looper, you ask? Because in non-civilisation, they play mostly non-civilised movies. And in non-civilisation, you can't say no to people. To be fair to non-civilisation, Mr. Lane apparently said

"It’s a surprisingly elegant and even elegiac movie, full of strange, befuddling joy" 

I think Mr. Lane has gone bonkers in his old age. Not to say it wasn't cool or chic or stylish. It was. With references to every other cult movie in this genre. But to say the film is anything more than that is bloody ridiculous. 

Oh, and am I only one who thought that they should have switched soundtrack to All You Need Is Love in that supposedly superb climax?

Late September

A house party for his 65th birthday. They argue over a shopping list in front of a newly single house guest, the first sign that the marriage of three decades is coming apart. The son turns up with his puppeteer friend and stages the story of Eurydice and Orpheus. A long time friend does his best but that turns out to be not good enough. They all hold on to their drinks for the most part of the film. 

Jon Sanders chronicles the breakdown of a marriage in a lovely house in Kent in well, I suppose, late September. The film was made with a non-existent budget and shot in 10 days with a mostly static camera and natural lighting which is nothing short of amazing. The long visual takes are Ozu-esque as is the title obviously but the improvised dialogues which gives the film more of a theatrical feel at times didn't make the cut. Maybe its just that they are too British. 

Next up: Same genre. Joanna Hogg's Archipelago.

Chilling in civilisation

"Hey"

"Hey"

"Where are you?"

"Library"

"Oh cool"

"Its actually not cool. When are you getting home?"

"Usual time only. What did you do before?"

"Went to park"

"Oh nice"

"Right"

"What did you pick up at library?'

"How does it matter?"

"What are you going on about?"

"Can't you get back earlier?"

"Don't think so. Why?"

"Can't deal with life"

"General drama you are doing"

"If you say so"

"Don't understand what is there to whine about. You have such a good life"

"Right"

"You get up late, chill, go to park, chill, go to library, chill, watch films, chill...."

"In your opinion, what exactly is your offspring doing while I am doing this chilling to the power of n?"

"Oh, it is well behaved only. It doesn't do anything"

"...but bother me"

"Of course it does"

"Next you will say it is some torturer"

"Of course it is. You think I go to the park to chill? That's why I go to the kids' playground obv"

"But you go to library all the time"

"For fucking rhyme time! For half hour I shall have peace when it is singing and doing naatak"

"You are making too much of this"

"Why don't you try it?"

"You have only been doing this for about a week or so"

"That is more than enough"

"Come on, if out of 30 months of parenthood if the only time you are left alone with it is a week and that too, only in the daytime, I really don't see what is there to complain about"

"One would think so, yes"

"Everyone else in the world has this much worse"

"Except you. Can you stop talking and get back before one of us manages to kill the other one?"

"Alright"

N.W.3

It is one thing to know that he died at the Royal Free. Where did you expect him to live anyway? But he lived on Nassington Road? Really? He was like on our street, next door, for the most part of three years and I didn't run into him? £$%^.

And here I was telling everyone how I used to run into Emma Thompson on my Saturday morning runs on the Heath*. Seriously. Holy @£$%.

*I won't mention Mr. Cucumber Patch under any circumstances, no.

Civilisation has purple too...

Civilisation includes...

...film festivals. If you want to see any of these films, you plan months in advance. You become member of the institute so that you can make early bookings. Or you cancel all plans and sit in front of computer the entire day public booking opens to make a few reservations. And then you find that you have busted your years' savings on a handful of these flicks.

Non-civilisation also includes film festivals. You buy a delegate pass for less than a cost of a ticket at what they call a multiplex. Then you just turn up for every single show for the entire week. You may have to turn up a few minutes before time to get a seat. Otherwise, you can sit on the gallery steps. You may get groped in non-civilisation festivals though. But that is another story.

Civilisation?

Fresh air. Clean roads. A run in the park. 15 degrees. Spotless bathroom. Hot shower. Autumn sunshine.

Since when did one's standards become so low? Oh wait. Never mind.

The Nursery Karamazov

"Amma Amma....Dmitri and I play in garden to-day"

"Who is Dmitri?"

"New kid I suppose"

"Dmitri kiss toshi. Toshi hold hands"

"Later in life you will meet a big boy called Dmitri Karamazov. Stay away from him"

"Dmitri is not the one she should stay away from"

"Amma, Ivan reading Gruffalo"

"Dude"

"Toshi, Is Alyosha your friend?"

"Aloo..sha sit in corner"

"Where the f are we sending her to?"

Educating Monkey. Not quite.

"Alice has saved £10 more than Becky. Becky has saved £3 more than Charlie. Altogether Alice, Becky and Charlie have saved £26.50. How much has Alice saved?"

"Huh?"

"You have a minute"

"Are you alright?"

"How about this one? Ladybirds eat greenfly"

"What?"

"On one bush, there are enough greenfly to feed 9 ladybirds for 4 hours. How long would the greenfly last if there were only 6 ladybirds? How many bushes would be needed to feed 36 ladybirds for 2 hours?"

"Hang on"

"1 minute"

"Aren't you too old to be taking the GRE?"

"45 seconds"

"Have you gone mad?"

"Try this one. Here is a pie chart which shows 64 cars that passed this way. The section that has Red cars - the angle is 45 degrees. How many red cars passed this way?"

"What is going on?"

"Wait, I got few ones here that you can give to kids you interview. Estimate the mass of a tennis ball"

"Most kids I interview don't get mass"

"How about this? Estimate the amount of water in a full kettle"

"I don't think I know the answer to that"

"Like you know everything else. Looks at these shapes and tell me which ones have the same perimeter"

"Enough. Out with it"

"Oh come on, do this one. There are 30 children in Mrs Patel’s Year 6 class. 8 of them are wearing glasses.12 of them are wearing a watch. 7 of them are wearing both glasses and a watch. How many are wearing neither glasses nor a watch?"

"Oh wait, I think I know what you are up to"

"Really? Glen is older than Florence.
Ahmed is older than Zara but younger than Florence.
Oliver is younger than Glen but older than Zara.
Yasmin is younger than Glen.
Ahmed is older than Oliver.
Florence is younger than Yasmin.
Which of these six friends is the youngest?"

"Confirmed. For some reason, you are going to take the GMAT"

"Please. Don't insult fifth graders. I will give you quadratic equations and a neat one on engineering drawing in a second"

"Fifth graders don't do quadratic equations or engineering drawing. Neither do people who take the GMAT but thats besides the point"

"Goes on to prove why you will never get to sixth grade in this country. Just like me. I will never pass this exam. And I am not exactly bad at Math"

"Lets not get too carried away. As far as I know, you haven't managed to prove a single theorem that matters regardless of umpteen years of research and training and what not"

"There's that, yes"

"But what exam is this?"

"11+ years. To get into sixth grade. I don't remember doing most of this before sixth grade."

"But why exactly are you trying to get into sixth grade?"

"I am not. But someone else needs to"

"Who?"

"Monkey"

"Monkey is one year old"

"Exactly. So unlike you and me, it definitely has to get to sixth grade. Unless you have decided it needs no education"

"Wait. You are taking 11+ test because monkey has to do it in 10 years?"

"Well, not quite. I did try to do something useful"

"Such as?"

"Such as trying to find schools to put its name in. But then I got interested in how the system works and some website had last year's question paper"

"I see"

"But its good that we looked at it"

"We?"

"Okay, I. At least we know now monkey is never going to get into sixth grade in this country. But what I am really interested in is what they teach in school after that"

"What else is there?"

"Well, there is always calculus I suppose"

"In seventh grade?"

"Why not? Maybe this is some new attempt at catching up with Asian kids"

"But Asian kids don't learn calculus in seventh grade"

"That's what we think but maybe we are ancient"

"We are ancient but I still don't think Asian kids learn calculus when they are 13"

"You don't know anything. Oh hang on!"

"What happened now?"

"I just thought of something. I am looking at the English paper. Go away"

Mr Dawkins, are you listening?

Please, please can you fund a few "there is probably no God" ads? This will be so much fun.

In which one discovers why despite the general breakdown of civilisation, one suddenly feels an intense longing for land across the pond

"Bastards"

"What happened now?"

"Filing US returns and just discovered those bastards at Chase have suddenly started charging me a $12 monthly service fee for nothing"

"Strange"

"I am going to call them now"

"Yeah, its the middle of the day for them"

"That doesn't mean anything. I might be on hold for ever"

"No, you won't. You are calling Chase, not Barclays"

So I call. In about 20 seconds I am speaking to a human being. I ask her about the fee. She explains that this is something new that they will charge me if I don't do a direct deposit of $500 a month or maintain a daily minimum balance of $1500.

"See, I don't live in the country and there is no way I am going to keep track of my minimum balance all the time. And I am not going to lose money by transferring a large amount from here"

"I understand ma'am but then we will have to charge you the fee"

"Hang on, I actually have a savings account with you"

"Yes, I can see that - it has around $2000 in it"

"Which earns me nothing and I don't ever use it. So this is what you do - close my savings account, transfer the money to my checking and then viola, you don't charge me this new service fee"

"Yes, I can help you with that"

Sigh.

"It will take a minute for me to close this. I just have to read you a couple of close of business statements and your account will be closed and the money transferred over"

MUTE. "Did you hear that? It will take her a whole minute to do what I just asked her to do" UNMUTE.

"That would be great, thanks"

20 seconds later I was done.

"I love America"

"Though they are bastards"

"Yes but they are nice to you"

"Now this is what you do. Call Barclays. Lets see how long this takes with them"

"First, their call centres won't be open at this time. Two, even if they were open by the time I get through to a human being, it will be abour 42 minutes. Then they will take about 15 minutes to validate I am who I say I am if I remember all the numbers I am supposed to remember. If not, they will ask me to go to a branch. Regardless, if this idiot on the line gets a little suspicious, he will lock my account out. If they actually manage to validate me, then I am sure that they won't let me close the account over the phone and will ask me to go to a branch. If I do go to a branch, they will demand 3 forms of identification in triplicate. Then they would want a letter from my employer. Or my landlord. Or both. At some point in this process, I will probably kill myself. Are you sure you want me to contine?"

"I don't see why not"

In which we decide Monkey should be born again

"Why would a question be intentionally left blank?"

"What?"

"Q 17 is intentionally left blank or so it says. Why would anyone do that?"

"Maybe it isn't blank for some people"

"Like who?"

"Like I don't know. Blind people or something"

"You mean in Braille, q 17 is not left blank? But if they already know who is blind what is the point in the census?"

"Hmm...they don't know everything about everyone. You are confusing Google with Her Majesty's government"

"I see. What is your religion?"

"What?"

"Religion"

"What is your religion?"

"Well, I am not sure. I am asking you"

"I am Hindu, I guess"

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?"

"Why are you Hindu? What aspect of the religion do you follow?"

"I don't need to do anything. I just identify myself as Hindu"

"How is it tied to your identity? What influence does it have on your life?"

"I have had a Hindu upbringing I guess. Like when I was a kid"

"It is in your upbringing? Like it shaped you types?"

"Thats a bit of a stretch but whatever"

"But by that definition one could argue your Jesuit school had a part in this upbringing"

"You want me to call myself a Jesuit?"

"Are you interested in young boys?"

"Not particularly"

"Then you can't call yourself one"

"Okay. So I remain Hindu"

"Wait, so if you are a Hindu, you are going to make monkey also Hindu?"

"No. I quite like Dawkins in this case. No religion for monkey"

"Because its too much effort to put religion into it?"

"Precisely. I can't be bothered"

"So no dragging it to Durga Pujo pandals?"

"Yep. But how did that come into this?"

"How else are you Hindu?"

"I told you. I don't have to do anything to be Hindu. Its sort of a no effort religion"

"I would have thought the no effort option is no religion"

"You didn't tell me that was an option"

"Well, it is an option in this form. Plus you were quite happy to give monkey no religion"

"Hmm. So you have no religion?"

"I did not say that. Not yet anyway. Though I am thinking I will listen to these british humanists types and put no religion since I can't think of anything I do that ties me to any religion"

"Yeah ok. If thats what you want. I don't see any contradiction in not being religious and putting down some religion you belong to"

"No? Its like calling myself vegetarian because I believe in not killing and eating animals. Or like all these people who call themselves feminists because its some sort of a fashion statement"

"You are asking for too much. Its totally ok to have a viewpoint and not do anything about it"

"Or do something contradictory"

"When did I contradict anything?"

"Fair enough. Hang on, I just realised we are looking at this from a very wrong angle"

"Let me remind you that I wasn't looking at anything"

"If you say so. We should look at it from how this will be used and play it accordingly"

"Okay?"

"So they will use this to fund stuff?"

"Like languages"

"Yeah but since both our languages are well represented no thanks to you or me, that's alright"

"I guess"

"They fund schools I suppose. If we put no religion, they will fund secular schools. Thats good"

"Nonsense. I don't want secular schools"

"What?"

"Have you seen the performance tables? Secular schools are no good"

"So you want them to fund more religious schools?"

"What I want them to do is to fund more Church of England schools so that we can send monkey there and not pay for private education"

"But hang on, monkey won't get in to one of these places. No priority"

"So what we should do is to make monkey a proper CoE person"

"So we put down CoE as her religion?"

"I don't see why not. It seems to be the most useful thing to do"

"We can also send it to nearby church on Sundays I guess. So that they know we aren't making this up"

"Yeah why not?"

"What if it grows up and becomes some fundamentalist?"

"No chance. This is not America. CoErs just grow up and develop a healthy disregard for religion. Which is a perfectly fine thing to be"

"So you are Hindu, I have no religion and monkey is CoE?"

"That sounds reasonable"

"Done"

Scenes from a Marriage: Wood edition

"We can't leave it at home"

"I guess. It might fall over or something"

"Yeah. So we take it"

"Do we have to?"

"Do you have a better idea?"

"It is cold outside"

"It likes the cold"

"Not this cold"

"We will wrap it in something. Its got a sweater right?"

"Yeah, someone gave it one"

"That should work"

"A sweater for sub zero temperature?"

"Its got tolerance. It got it from me"

"But you are wearing sweater + some wool jacket"

"It will manage"

"It has to manage. Not like it has a jacket"

"Well yeah, we ought to get one"

"So you go get jacket. I will go walk on Heath and come back"

"Alright, then you take it"

"No, you take it. How will you know if its jacket fits?"

"I will buy standard size"

"But its smaller than average. I think you should only take it"

"It won't like the Tube"

"You don't have to take the tube to go to store. Just go to the Gap on high st"

"Gap? Did you say Gap?"

"Why don't you go to Polarn then and spend ten times as much for stuff that was made in the same sweatshop but has stripes and is green?"

"Because Bamse says so"

"Can't argue with that. Go on then. Take a taxi"

"There is no baby seat in taxis. So I can't take it. You take it"

"You take its seat from the car"

"You know what? Lets forget the jacket for now. We will get it later"

"Okay?"

"We will just wrap it in some warm thing and take it"

"What if it crawls out of it?"

"Do you think we should like tie it with some string?"

"Lets just go alright? The sun won't be up for long"

"Alright. But lets not go near the children's park okay?"

"Why? Its not bad there. And it might also like the place"

"Don't be silly. We can't go there"

"Why?"

"Think! Who is likely to be there?"

"Who? kids I guess. But there is nothing one can do about that"

"Who else?"

"Parent types?"

"Yes"

"You just ignore them no?"

"Yeah but guess what they are going to do when they see this thing wrapped up in some quilt with a rope around it?"

"Oh like that"

"Yeah. Like that. Child services will be knocking on our door very soon"

"We could do without that"

"Exactly"

"But you know, you can't end with that"

"I know. We are stuck aren't we?"

"Yeah, can't even make a bloody post nowadays without monkey in a leading role"

"This is what it has come to? Fuck"

"I know. Fuck"

Jobless Bill (as always)

"Did I tell you about S?"

"The Texan?"

"Yeah"

"What about him?"

"He is making all disgruntled comments about taking up jobs in banking"

"Oh"

"Yeah, so he asks about firms which do functional programming and P was being totally useless. He was telling S about some telecom company in France"

"Wait, wait, hang on"

"Okay?"

"S is looking for a job?"

"Obviously. I am telling you long story and you ask such silly questions"

"The problem is some things aren't very obvious as you may think they are"

"Like what?"

"Like okay, S is the guy who works with you?"

"I don't see where this is going"

"Stay with me. Yes or No?"

"Yes"

"You guys turned up in Cambridge more or less the same time?"

"Same day actually"

"Both for post-doc?"

"Dude, what are you trying..."

"With the same advisor"

"So?"

"So S is looking for a job?"

"Huh.."

"And you aren't. Why?"

"I think I hear the monkey crying"

"No, its not"

"Maybe I should go check anyway"

"Maybe you should answer my question"

"Oh that. I have this funding right?"

"Yeah, my tax money. But S also has some sort of funding, doesn't he?"

"Through P, yes"

"Doesn't matter. P will fund him for whatever number of years"

"True"

"And he is looking for a job"

"Well, yeah"

"You aren't. Why?"

"Its not that I am not looking. If something were to happen, not like I won't take it"

"If something were to happen. Like some FSM dropping a job through the roof when you haven't bothered to apply for it?"

"Actually there aren't jobs out there"

"Right. S is applying for these non-existent jobs"

"Well, the point is he is no getting anywhere"

"But why aren't you applying to them?"

"Well, I haven't thought about it much"

"Why?"

"I don't know"

"I do"

"You do?"

"Yeah. What does S's partner do?"

"Her funding is running out"

"Exactly. So for you to find a job, I should not have one"

"Ah, I see now. You want to quit"

"Why would I want do that?"

"You just said you did"

"No, I said if I quit, then maybe you would think of getting a real job"

"But you aren't quitting, and I am not going to think of a job and we both know that. What else do you want me to say?"

"Nothing else, thank you"

(to be continued)

Transporting Monkey

(Background score brought to you by monkey)

"When we move back to civilisation..."

"We will not run into people with Bamse prizes in our local post office"

"Even Bamse goes a little crazy sometimes"

"Not that many times, he doesn't"

"Okay, alright, I give you that one. Anyway, once we move back to civilisation..."

"Which is populated by banker types..."

"Alright. Maybe not that civilised. Once we move back to a real city..."

"Yes, thank you. Real city which is completely unaffordable...

"But where people happen to work for a living as opposed to staring at ceilings..."

"I don't quite understand why anyone would want to work when they can just stare at ceiling"

KKrrrrrr

"Because people need to pay the rent"

"But I can afford rent just by staring at ceilings"

"Not in London, you can't"

"My point exactly"

"If you are actually offering to pay rent, we can live here. I will quit"

Aaaaaaaaaaaaa

"Hang on, hang on, how did we get to you quitting again?"

"You offered to pay rent"

"But we have other expenses. Like travel. Like monkey"

"How about you stare at a few more ceilings?"

"I doubt if that will help. And anyway, you can't like quit"

"Why not?"

"Its not fair"

"To whom?"

"To you, of course. Imagine being stuck with monkey all the time"

"Who said anything about monkey? We will put it in some nursery"

Hhhaaaaaaaa

"So what will you do?"

"I don't know. I will figure out something"

"But who will pay for nursery?"

"Good question. Who do you think?"

"Fine. We are moving back to London"

"Good. Now that's settled, we need to figure out monkey transport"

"Huh? It crawls. It transports itself"

"It can't crawl on the road"

"Do we need to take it to the road?"

"Not very often"

"It is useful sometimes though to take it. Like when I put it on airline counter when we had loads of extra baggage. They gave us no trouble"

"Exactly. And we can't keep carrying it as it gets heavier"

Guuuuuuuu

"Good point. So we need some baby trolley type thingy"

"Yep"

"I hate those contraptions. They are always in the way"

"Yeah"

"But we need to get one"

"Yes"

"Do they cost much?"

"Preliminary investigation indicates yes. Like all baby things, it costs a lot"

"Dude, did I tell you about the Scand store which was selling very decent clothes?"

"Yes, we make clothes for children. Not for boys. Not for girls"

"Good, no? Did you check it out?"

"Yes. Its like Whole Foods, only Scandinavian. Costs about 10 times as much for just not being pink or blue. Place to be seen at for a certain kind of segment"

"Oh"

"Yeah. I think plain white will do for monkey. Unless you are going to pay"

"No, no, makes sense. Anyway it has enough from India. Back to trolley"

"I don't think its called a trolley. Its called a travel system"

Raaaaaaaaa

"Same thing no?"

"Yep"

"How much are these things?"

"Discount celebrity brands. There is one Scand brand but its even higher than celebrity brand"

"Sure it looks cool"

"Of course. Stokke its called. Anyway, way out of range"

"What is range?"

"Basically there are things from 250 quid to about a grand. Accessories extra"

"What accessories?"

Geeeeeee

"Who knows? You think I have nothing else to do?"

"Hmm. Wonder if there are alternatives"

"Sure. We can just not take it anywhere"

"Someone will call Child Services"

"Surely its not a crime to take it nowhere. You are keeping it safe at home"

"What do we do when we have to go somewhere?"

"Monkey Home Alone. Maybe it will make a movie"

"Right. Listen, I have an idea"

"Really?"

"Travel system. Trolley. All the same. The best part is monkey has already been on one and it loves it"

"What are you talking about?"

"You know when we went grocery shopping last week?"

"Sainsbury trolley?!"

"Why not?"

"Its like a 1 quid deposit. We can give it back after 3 years or whatever"

"I know. How cool is that? And we can do shopping as well. 2 in 1 function"

"Nobody will actually steal a shopping cart. Its safe too"

"Yes, I think it checks all the boxes"

"And guess what? If monkey feels like it wants a better brand..."

"...we can upgrade to Waitrose cart! Hehe"

"Wait, how will we put it in car boot?"

"I thought we are moving to London. Where are you going in car?"

"Yeah but they won't let it in the tube, will they?"

"For tube, we will get a folding shopping cart. Bet its under 10 quid"

"Bill, darling, you are a genius. You should stare at more ceilings"

Bebebebebebebe

Life in the UK test: FAIL

(If we ever have to take it, that is)

Switched on TV last night to get to Jon Stewart and turns out some channel was telecasting football.

"Oh, there is an England match today, I think"

"Really? Who are they playing?"

"There..Algeria"

"Which colour is England?"

"Hmm..Can't possibly be green, can it?"

"True. The guys in white"

"Do you know what Wayne Rooney looks like?"

"No. Should have paid more attention to the Metro"

"Yeah, I guess"

"Hey"

"Those two chaps sitting there, one of them looks familiar, no?"

"Hmm. They must be reserves"

"Yeah, but why are they wearing suit and jacket and all?!"

"These English are comic"

"I know"

Commentator says: There you see England being represented by the royal family. Prince William and Prince Harry

"That's what they look like kya?"

"I told you one of them looks familiar"

"We are so failing the life in the UK test"

"I know"

If you haven't had enough, at this point, my mum walks in.

"Isn't that the princes?"

"How do you know?"

"They are in the Metro all the time"

"Maybe you should take Life in the UK test"

"Btw, there is something wrong with this TV. You should tell the landlord"

"I don't think so"

"There is. What is that noise?"

"What noise?"

"Its like a swarm of giant vandus humming.

"Oh, that's part of the game"

"Someone is sitting there making that noise? What idiots!"

"Amma! Its a stadium horn. Vuvuzela"

"How can one focus on anything with that irritating thing going on?"

"How do you focus on weddings when someone is blasting that nadaswaram?"

"Oh, that's to get rid of other sounds"

"Like what?"

"Like the people who attend the wedding. Can you imagine the din without the nadaswaram?"

"Same thing"

As usual, Bamse blazes trail

Here. (Though, yeah, he does tend to overdo things a bit.)

Nothing new but worth a read. Frame childcare as a "womens' issue" and it will always remain an issue. Frame it as a parental issue that it is and see how your intervention options more than doubled.

20 under 40: First Impression

20 under 40

Where the F is Junot Diaz? What happened to Dave Eggers? I am never ever reading the New Yorker again. Oh wait, they are over 40? Really? Stupid cut-off then. How silly. Anyway. Let me go read the thing now.

Goings-on (about town that one does not live in anymore but one can get to)

BFI celebrates monkey's arrival. (In related news, monkey's first word came out yesterday: akkirrrrrrrrrrr) And while you are there, might as well catch Film Science and a bit of Grace Kelly.

Totally totally worth your time. It even has a TV series to go with it. Super cool stuff.

Chotu and Motu go to Peak District (Part 1)

With the monkey of course. If monkey is going to be standard fixture in Chotu - Motu household, then we reckon that it might as well get used to the travel. Ten weeks seems like a good starting point. Especially since it will have to go to three different continents by end of year. We picked a relatively harmless national park to make its life easier. It ended up not being such a big deal. Monkeys are just like backpacks except that once in a while, you have to nourish them instead of the other way around.

Anyway. So on what was the hottest weekend of the year, we drove up from the fens through the midlands to the Peak District.

"Hey. According to guidebooks, there are a number of English homes in the park"

"Yeah, it always surprises me all national parks within this country are inhabited and are privately owned. Though one understands why"

"Yeah but that is not what I was referring to"

"What were you referring to then?"

"Large English country homes"

"Like Henry James types?"

"Think so. Like the seat of the Duke of Devonshire or something"

"Ah. Prime American tourists territory. Is that how they make money?"

"Must be only. There is this place called Chatsworth Hall which seems to be the most famous of them all. Major gardens and a maze and stuff"

"Hmm. Interesting"

"Should we go?"

"Have you gone mad?"

"Well, you do realise we might only be able to do one walk, say 4-5 hours a day. The monkey will create ruckus otherwise"

"Hmm. It has been unusually quiet for a while now"

"You have gone deaf. It has been growling like some tiger for a while now"

"Oh. And here I thought it was exhibiting more human characteristics lately"

"That it has. I have no doubt it will one day be a humanitarian monkey"

"Or a simian human, you never know"

"Is there a difference?"

"Who the fuck cares?"

"True enough. About these houses..."

"Dude, this sounds like some proper tourist trap"

"I know but there's this other house that's not that famous and won't be crowded at all. Maybe we can go there"

"What house is this?"

"Place called Lyme Hall. On the Cheshire side of the park. Nice and all"

"Who used to live there?"

"Nobody we know. Some Venetian architect did some work on it in the 18th century. Seems worth going to"

"Really?"

"If we have time, why not?"

"What is the catch?"

"What catch?"

"Dude, monkey or not, you don't ever want to go visit some English country home. What is the deal?"

"Nothing really. There is one other place called Haddon Hall. But it doesn't sound like family entertainment place"

"How come?"

"This weekend, there is a special programme in the Lord and Ladyship's chambers"

"You are kidding"

"No. True"

"These English!"

"I know. So Lyme Hall it is then?"

"Dude. You do want to go to this place, don't you?"

"Well.."

"Hang on, let me guess. Which Henry James was shot there?"

"I have no idea. And Henry James heroes? Come on now"

"Hmm. Newland Archer didn't go to England, did he?"

"I don't think he did. But why are you thinking Americans when talking of England?"

"Oh wait. Of course. Austen?"

"Yeah. Darcy's home"

"I didn't think you like Mr Darcy very much"

"I don't. But you don't remember this scene in the BBC version where a brooding, most delicious Colin Firth jumps into this lake which has a reflection of the house and then dripping wet, he walks towards the house"

"I can assure you that I am absolutely certain that I do not remember this particular scene"

"I know you don't. So shall we go there?"

"You do realise that there will be no delicious Colin Firth around?"

"Yeah, but one can't have everything, you know"

No, we didn't go to Lyme house. Turned out that monkey can handle long walks pretty well. More in Chotu and Motu get lost in the Derbyshire Dales.


Bonus:

Monkey Business

"Hey"

"Oh..hey"

"What are you up to?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why are you hiding here?"

"Who is hiding? I am just getting a bit of quiet time"

"Yeah? I thought you were feeding monkey"

"Done with that. I am here to get some quiet as I said. Otherwise I can't read or anything"

"What are you reading?"

"Oh, a bunch of things"

"I don't see any books around"

"They are in the other room"

"But you are in this room"

"Yeah, I know"

"So you are not reading now?"

"I guess not"

"What's that?"

"What? Oh this?"

"Yeah"

"Some drink"

"Looks like a gin and tonic to me"

"Well, it is. Gin & tonic is also drink na?"

"I see. I thought you were on some wine-only course"

"That was when thing was inside"

"Ah, makes sense"

"Really? If you say so"

"But wait, why are you drinking here?"

"Dude. Can't I drink in my own home? I might be on leave but I still pay rent on this place you know"

"Yeah yeah. But why are you hiding and drinking?"

"Who is hiding?"

"You only"

"Just because I feel like sitting in the guest room doesn't mean I am hiding"

"What does it mean then?"

"It just means I feel like sitting in the guest room"

"Oh right"

"Whatever"

"Does amma know about this?"

"Know about what?"

"Sneaking into guest room for gin & tonic"

"How old do you think I am?"

"Question for your mum. Let us ask her, shall we?"

"Go away"

Done with Indecision

If you haven't heard, we finally have a Prime Minister in this country. Actually, turns out he has a deputy as well. Two for the price of one. I am sure these two public school boys will be all paly-paly but one wonders what the backbenchers might get up to. While the Tory backbenchers will prove to be a handful for Cameron, think Clegg will have a bigger problem in this regard - by definition, the Lib Dems are more inclusive, opinionated, have a healthy disregard for authority, more prone to activism and therefore indecisive as a group. Interesting times ahead. But for now, to round off these random posts, here are a few random thoughts:

1. Does anyone remember Devi Lal, 1989? When I heard that Clegg was Deputy PM, that was the first thing that came to mind. However, I later remembered (and made a mention to my ultra-conservative big boss who was extremely scornful of the coalition) that after all, the low key chap who went on to trounce the country's most popular PM and oversee the disintegration of the British Raj was a deputy PM in the war time coalition government. Who knows where this current comedy will lead to?

2. In Chronicles of Westminsteria - the New Hope, the Clunking Fist and the Boy who looks good on TV, the BBC adaptation of current comedy, the only person who should be playing himself (as there is no actor who can do justice to this role) is Peter Mandelson. Those of you used to thinking of Rove, Cheney or say, Kissinger as the ultimate evil puppet masters, please to see Lord Mandelson in action. He is too cool.

3. BBC should decide who its audience is. For the 10 or so minutes it took the new PM to travel in his Jag from Buckingham Palace to Downing St weaving through London evening traffic, I heard over 15 times that "unlike the States, we do not have a transition period in Britain". Huh? The Brit people already know how their system works, one would have thought.

4. Watching Brown make his farewell speech, one couldn't help thinking that this guy never had a chance. The post-Blair era in this country has turned parliamentary politics into a popularity contest and even if Brown had been the most efficient of PMs, he would never really look or sound good on TV. He is an old school politician, one very much out of times in this age of reality television.

5. Plagiarist Cameron. Not even a good one at that. "And I want to help try and build a more responsible society here in Britain. One where we don't just ask what are my entitlements, but what are my responsibilities. One where we don't ask what am I just owed, but more what can I give."

6. Socialist Cameron. (As those of you across the pond no doubt will recognize.) "And a guide for that society - that those that can should, and those who can't we will always help."

Indecision, what else?

As expected, the country has decided to be indecisive leaving Parliament hanging. Fun, no? Entertainment guaranteed for the next few days. But for now, here are a bunch of things one discovered on election night:

1. Where TV license money goes. Specifically, there is a chap called Jeremy Vine who does all sorts of comedy - for instance, he walks around in a virtual Downing Street setup overturning blocks or stones or something to find out who can walk into No 10. He also has this other set he walks around in which tops CNN's holographic reporters (that Jon Stewart makes so much fun of). Even the American people don't seem to appreciate such nonsense, so I am not sure what makes the BBC think they can use our money to come up with this naatak. Oh, and who exactly stays up all night in front of Big Ben to watch the election results being projected on it?

2. Glenda Jackson holds Hampstead & Kilburn. The margin was 42 votes. Yes, 42. I told you we voted in the wrong constituency. And well, Clegg's last minute call to Beckett did not have any effect.

3. I know. The answer is 650. Yes, small island, 65 million give or take. I discovered that only China has more seats than the UK. So yeah, 42 votes is not that uncommon.

4. Vindicated. Cleggmania was pretty much made up. All people discovered was that the man exists and he looks good on TV.

Still more Indecision

My immediate reaction to this piece (also echoed by random commenter) was "What? Is Hampstead a marginal?"

Turns out that it is indeed a marginal. Can't really say the same for the constituency one is going to vote in. Shucks. So much for being diligent and letting councils know we have moved.

ps: I know. Beckett of all people. Godot jokes abound.

pps: Can't believe its British election time and one hasn't made a Yes, Minister reference. So this seems like a good post as any. Sir Humphrey on "arts" in Patron of the Arts: People don't go to church, but they feel better that it's there.