Tuesday, September 12, 2006

A scandal in Karamana

There was a time I was sad that I wasn't part of any scandal; after a marathon gossip session with BM or MR or one of that crowd, it would suddenly strike me that we talked about everyone else but moi! Marriage did that to me, I used to think, no one wants to talk about me anymore, overnight I have become uninteresting and not worth those precious night time minutes. Not anymore. All's well again. I am glad to inform you all that I am back in the limelight in this part of the world. Why, you want to know? Well, because I am home.

No one seems to understand what I am doing at home for months together. When I tell people that I am just here whiling away time, no one believes me. So then I resort to the gospel truth - Bill kicked me out demanding dowry, and I am here to collect some dowry money. I also put one Tirupati style hundial right here in the middle of the living room so that everyone can contribute to my dowry. But the people here don't seem to be satisfied with that explanation either. Rumors are flying all over, and so I figured might as well put down the top 3 rumors here so that all of you are also enlightened.

Rumor #1: Baby killer!

Aunty 1: Did you hear? Veena is here!
Aunty 2: Yeah, I heard too. Did you go see her?
Aunty 1: Yes, she is fine. Wonder what she's doing here though!
Aunty 2: She says something about spending time with parents. But c'mon, do we look like we were born yesterday?
Aunty 1: I know, do you think something is wrong?
Aunty 2: Well, I heard something about a trip to the gynecologist.
Aunty 1: Really? But that's good news!
Aunty 2: No, no. You know her well. Do you think she will have a baby?
Aunty 1: Ayyo! But what about Mrs. M? She would surely not allow it. Poor thing will be heartbroken.
Aunty 2: Yes, but when did she ever listen to her mother?
Aunty 1: True enough. I don't really believe this. How can she do this?
Aunty 2: Some people! Shiva Shiva!

Rumor #2: Baby generator!

Uncle 1: Did you go meet Veena?
Aunty 1: Yes, today. Do you know why she is here?
Uncle 1: Not really. Why, whats wrong?
Aunty 1: She's been to some gynec and stuff. You know that kind.
Uncle 1: Nonsense. You have got it all wrong.
Aunty 1: How do you know?
Uncle 1: Because the gynec she went to is apparently some fertility expert.
Aunty 1: But Mrs. G told me...
Uncle 1: Mrs. G doesn't know anything. I have this on good authority.
Aunty 1: Poor girl! I knew she would never do anything like that. She loves her parents after all!
Uncle 1: Of course.

Must say here that I was sort of the originator of this particular rumor. Uncle 3, who is Uncle 1's buddy asked me innocently "vishesham undo?" (Mallus, Tams too for that matter never ask you whether you are having a baby. Instead they ask you if there's any "special news". This happens right after the day you are married and continues until you have atleast three children.) and I patiently explained to him how I cannot have a baby at all, and I have seen around 7 fertility specialists all over the world. When he looked at me very unbelievingly, I promptly pulled out from my wallet the business card of a fertility expert in B'lore. (Well, if you have to know, this is the groom's eldest cousin I had become fast friends with during the wedding comedy in Bangalore) Now no one asks me "vishesham undo?" anymore.

Rumor #3: Evil, jobless girl!

Aunty 3: No, no that's not it at all. I know why she is here.
Aunty 1: Why?
Aunty 3: She fought with her husband!
Aunty 1: But he seems so nice.
Aunty 3: He is nice. Who said he fought with her? This girl, you know how she is. She is so adamant. She would have gone and fought with him needlessly. Poor guy, what is he expected to do? He is a guy, after all. Will have some ego na? He couldn't take it anymore.
Aunty 1: Hmm..I can believe that. But why is she here? She has a job right?
Aunty 3: She had a job.
Aunty 1: But she was saying something about London....
Aunty 3: Nonsense. Apparently she created so much drama at work that they had no choice but to send her away.
Aunty 1: Oh God!
Aunty 3: Do you really think anyone will just come and sit at home while they could be earning dollars?
Aunty 1: That is also there. I never thought about it that way. But she seems to be on her computer all the time! Atleast when I was there.
Aunty 3: Of course. She is trying desperately to find a job. But you know how it is. Now that she's fought with her husband and spoilt her reputation, who will give her a job?
Aunty 1: True true. Poor Mrs. M!


Thanu said...

I have been married for a yr and a half and i get a lot of visheshem vallom undo, my response is yeah I have an awesome job, husband and i are happy...

V N said...

First time here, from the kerala blog roll. This was one fantoo read, btw. have lived all my life here, so I know exactly how u feel!!


Falstaff said...

I think your best plan is to go join an NGO working with children. This will be seen as a touching gesture whereby you compensate for the lack of children in your own life (either because of your low fertility or because your husband won't touch you). It's pretty much your only shot at coming across as saintly and maternal. People will speak of you with tears in their eyes.

The Black Mamba said...

Madame Cruella de Vil, the last time we spoke you 3-4 kids yelling at the top of their voices in the background. was that part of the setup too? Or another rumour that didn't make the top 3 list?

Veena said...

Thanu: Good for you but don't think that shuts people up :)

Velu: Thanks.

Falstaff: Why exactly would I want to come across as "saintly and maternal"? Hello? As BM would tell you, I enjoy being Madame Cruella de Vil. (Without the mink stuff, that is. Eeeks!)

BM: Hmm...sadly, those kids' ka parents(the cousins) were also around at that time. Otherwise maybe there would have been a rumor about me starting a day care center :)

Anoop said...

Yawn... No surprises here. The rumours are exactly as we surmised before you left the Bindy City. :)

Ravages said...

this is all ok. But what really is the number #1 reason you are here? heh?
Me thinks a mail to Mr Bill (or perhaps a well-directed question at Rani) will give us all answers.

Falstaff said...

Veena: Ah, but the point of seeming saintly and maternal is that it makes it all the more shocking when you turn out to be evil personified. It's like in Omen - a more ornery kid would have made a far less scary devil.

30in2005 said...

You are so right - from the day I got married I have been asked for 'vishesham undo' too many times to count. I shall try your gyneac card trick - maybe that will shut them up....

Perspective Inc. said...